Being unemployed has its way of giving you tons of time to search your thoughts. I went back to Jersey for a little over a week and it was wonderful. It slowed everything down in my head and let me just sit back and think hard. I got a chance to read a whole new book, spend valuable time with my family, and even spend a couple days at my favorite place in the world. I would sit out on our screened-in porch at my mom’s beach house until the sun was about to come up and just think about who I am.
Silence had never followed that question for so long before. I searched my feelings and desires. I struggled to remember what my goals were years ago. Does anyone actually follow their 5-year plans? Because I am not even close to where I thought I’d be when I was a week from turning 20.
I came to the conclusion that I am a shitty friend and in some cases family member. Small talk strikes me with an apathy that borders on anger and anxiety. Catching up with old friends and making new ones is hard for me in many cases. I never have the initiative to contact people unless I push myself to do it. I wonder if I’m meant to have interpersonal relationships, since every fiber of my natural being opposes the idea. It’s not social anxiety or awkwardness, though. I consider myself pretty charismatic and fun when I actually do hang out with friends. I’ve grown to think it’s the fact that I truly do not care. Just pure straight scalding apathy.
I had my final Chiropractor exam today in my recovery from my car accident, and afterward Dr. Six hugged me and said how much she enjoyed treating me and that I was “a good guy”. I could tell she was sincere and cared about me. It wasn’t one of those fake hugs you get from your real estate agent or your random acquaintance that likes to hug everyone hello for some reason. As I stood there, being held by this woman that I had met only three months ago, it blew my mind at how real it was. It was almost like my mom’s hugs when I visited. I thought I had to be mistaken and that it was just unexpected, but no. I’m not sure I’ve ever sincerely cared about anyone that wasn’t a family member, close friend, or girlfriend. I’m definitely not cut out to be a doctor… and I’m wondering: what AM I cut out for?
I always thought it would be fun to be a Graphic Designer; and it definitely has its moments. I’ve ranted before about the kind of people that hire us at times. We are often employed by the scum of the internet, whether it be scam artists who want a legit look on their site, or rip-off companies that want to use SEO to hide the Search Results of all the people who complain about getting ripped off by them, or the good old-fashioned Pyramid Scheme (now they call it Multi-Level Marketing). I need to pay my rent and put food on my table, but is it worth working for these bottom feeders? It’s not like Graphic Designers are in high demand these days either… as I remember each day I wake up at 9am without my alarm buzzing. I was willing to pay my dues in the industry, but this was making me hate myself. I’d rather work in Porn or Scientology than that.
Apathetic. These days I struggle to find anything I care about. I still have emotions. I still have desires. I can still “feel” music and good movies can still move me. Art still inspires me. But none of it seems to truly matter. I have to remember when I was 17 years old if I wanted to find the last time I was truly passionate about anything. I’ve been ambitious, I’ve fought for what I’ve wanted, and I’ve survived, but I can’t remember being truly passionate about anything since. Is my brain fucked up? Am I capable of it anymore? Am I meant for something more? Or am I just meant for something ELSE?
There is a pit inside me dying. A part of my emotions or my soul-or whatever you’d want me to call it-is slowly being forgotten. All I can do right now is search for where I can find it again.
You can’t find something when you’re standing still. My life needs change, and fast. But not too fast that I don’t choose the right path. My life has been moving in the wrong direction since I left New Jersey. I’ve done great things, grown much, and met many great people here, but its not the direction I need to continue moving in.
I am 95% certain now that I will be enlisting in the Air Force or US Marine Corps within the next few months. My political standpoint has nothing to do with this and I’ve come to realize I shouldn’t even trust it in this matter anyway. I just feel that it is the best way to get everything I need right now. It was either this or find religion, which I am still trying my best to grasp, but it is not yet time… Maybe after a bullet flies past my head.. heh.
Please feel free to call me or message me. I’m feeling very receptive lately and any advice or encouragement is welcome 🙂