Tips for Building Community as an Adult
In a private group for Older and Non-Binary folks on Facebook, someone asked:
Any tips on finding a building a community when you are over 40? I’m a solo parent and live super rural. My 12yo kid comes with me pretty much everywhere. I long to find or build a queer community around me but I can’t seem to find anyone to make friends with. I’m also neurodiverse and can’t seem to figure out how to make friends like I used to which was going to shows, events and bars. That’s out when I have to bring my 12yo with me everywhere. St family friendly events everyone is in their bubble or family unit (like zoo pride, library pride, etc.) so it’s not a friend making event.
anonymous
My response:
I’ve built community a few times as I’ve moved a lot in my life. Here are some tips I’ve learned.
Consistency
Consistency is the most important thing. Whether it’s “every first Tuesday of the month at 6:00” or whatever frequency you think you can keep up for a long time, set an expectation that you’ll be in that place at that time every time.
Don’t Overcommit
Estimate lower frequency than you think (if you think every week, try every other week first). It’s easier to add than subtract.
Do What YOU Want
Set the event up uncompromisingly how you want/need it to be. If you don’t want any loud music, hold that boundary. If you want it to be within walking distance for you, then choose that venue.
Ideally make it an activity you’d be happy to sit there for the duration doing by yourself (or with your kid or other small number of reliable attendees). The whole idea is “I’m gonna do this fun thing and if you want in on the fun, join up”.
Always Show Up
Even when you get zero RSVP’s, people still show up. So don’t look at your EventBrite or FB guest list and then not show. Lots of people forget to check in or just make a mental note of the event when they see it and show up.
If anyone comes to a thing and didn’t know you were taking that week off, they probably won’t ever come back. If you need to take off (we all have those times) then get someone else who’s reliable to be there in your stead.
Don’t Wait for Stragglers
Don’t wait for everyone to show up to start. Just start when you said you would and late folks can catch up. This sets accurate expectations and rewards people who are on time. Positive reinforcement. 👍
Exclusivity
If you want it to exclude any particular type of person (hopefully this is based on behavior and not physiology, but whatever) then hold that boundary. People who don’t want to be around those people will be showing up and feel betrayed if they see them there. It will feel unsafe for them.
Advertise
Even if it feels icky. Make sure you advertise across multiple formats. Online, with a flyer, and by word of mouth. Use your unique voice to do it, but get the word out. Shyness is fine once people show up, but lots of folks DO need a direct invitation to feel wanted at these things. (Rejection sensitivity, introversion, etc.)
Wait for a Useful Sample Size Before Making Changes
Do it for a year before changing up too much because sometimes people are different levels of busy seasonally. (This is a great problem to have, since lasting a year is amazing)
Consistency
It really just bears repeating.