When a Partner Takes More Than They Give

In a Polyamory Discussion group, someone posted:

I often put in a lot of time with my partner helping them rest and recover from their trying work life. Our time together feels like downtime — their heart is heavy, they’re quiet, they don’t do chores easily. When they feel more rested they often choose to schedule time with others, partying late into the night, doing a lot of substances, and the next time we meet or they go into work — they’re exhausted again.

I am beginning to feel very heartbroken. Caring for someone who is going through a hard time is fine, but I increasingly feel like they are not putting energy into our connection, or into self care — which affects both our connection and their mental wellness. This hurts more when I see that they burn themselves at both ends elsewhere. I don’t want them to burn themselves out for me, though I do feel a lot of FOMO at being a partner they don’t invite along on their adventures. More, I feel like I am being relied on to help them stabilize, and as soon as they feel stable they turn around to burn themselves out again. Rinse, repeat.

Is that codependent behavior? I don’t know how to convey my disappointment at the kind of time we spend without being accused of trying to control their behavior, or stopping them from having a social life. It doesn’t help that this behavior comes out a lot more with a specific partner of theirs that I had a bad reaction to early on in their dating.

I don’t want to limit or control my partner, but I also want to express that my needs aren’t being met without it feeling like I’m going to face a ton of backlash.

I am scared of setting a boundary because my partner is the first person who has shown interest in me in a long time that I’ve felt a strong connection to. I feel caught in grief, mourning a connection I used to feel loved in, while fighting to repair and preserve it. I am drowning and I need help.

anonymous

My Response

I’m an acts of service giver for my primary love language. I’ve had multiple relationships turn into what you’re describing here. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• Once someone gets here, to the point where their normal baseline is taking more than they give, they see it as theft for us to stop giving. They feel like they’re being punished or manipulated because we waited too long to express and hold boundaries. The only way to communicate what’s happening is to expect fragility and defensiveness and (yet again) comfort them through this hard pill to swallow. (Keep reading)
• ☝️ Don’t attempt this. Even if you re-shift the baseline back to a place where your dynamic is less tilted, they will still nudge at your boundaries to get more. It’s what they want and they’ve seen it work for them before. The temptation is too great to push for it again.
• They may even be doing it unconsciously, but it really doesn’t matter if they’re treating us badly on purpose or by accident.
• I’ve broken up with and gotten back together with people over this repeatedly. After they realize how much you gave, they try to make up and say everything you want to hear to get you back. When you take them back, the nudging begins about a week or two after you re-commit.

Basically, in my experience, there is no fixing this. Once a user always a user.

Today, I’m with someone with multiple disabilities and heavier needs than anyone else I’ve ever dated. But they never take me for granted. They make frequent and obvious effort whenever they have the ability to refill my cup too. I get authentic thank yous, praise, and validation on tap. When I don’t have it in me to help them out, I say so and there’s zero pressure to do it anyway. They take no for an answer. They respect and value me. It’s wonderful.

I only got here by knowing my boundaries. Feeling when I’m overextended and standing up for myself as soon as I get there. And for dumping the users who don’t respect those boundaries. You can find people like that too, but first you have to accept nothing less. 💖