It’s Got What It Takes
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Editor’s Note: I’ve redacted lots of too-personal information from this article in order to make it suitable for remaining published.
OK… So I can’t get that Van Halen song out of my head lately. This has been for days now… Weeks if you wanna include time with a day gap or so…
As most of you know, I’m dating ■■■■■■… a near-perfect specimen of girlfriend-dom.
She’s like someone you pulled out of a Maxim article. Let me go through my day today:
1. Woke up to a scalp massage ■■■■■
2. She made me breakfast (Pancakes, Eggs, Bacon, and OJ)
3. She played Video Games with me
—WORK—
4. I get home and she makes me Grilled Cheese and Tomato soup
5. We watch “Man On Fire” and she gives me a foot rub
If I read this 4 years ago, I’d have my jaw on the floor. She does other stuff too!
1. Plays DDR now
2. Plays geeky online Final Fantasy with me… AND IS GOOD AT IT
3. Gives me regular scalp massages and backrubs
4. Makes me drinks and brings me beer when I ask nicely ^^
5. Puts lotion on my hard to reach tattoos
6. Splits every check when we go out (unless I insist otherwise)
7. Makes me Chili Dip + Crackers for Football games
8. Roots for the Titans
9. Took me to Hawaii!!!
10. Helps me with my artwork
11. Plays with my puppy with me
12. Helps me clean the apt when I ask nicely ( 2 or 3 times =P )
13. Cooks cool random stuff we find on the internet
14. Thinks my beer belly is cute ^^
15. Loves to get me drunk
16. Sings with me in the car
17. Can talk to me about anything and vice versa
18. tolerates me…
I mean jesuchristo! What else could a guy want right? I’ve never had such amazing treatment before from a girlfriend. I feel lucky and unworthy of it every day. Especially during a scalp massage *eyes roll back*
But I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe I’m too jaded and cynical. Maybe I’m too insecure. Maybe I’ll never be happy with who I’ve got. Maybe I’ve been hurt too badly. Maybe I’ve lost the ability to… fall in love.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You know those Magic 8-Ball things you play with at KB Toys but never actually buy it? I keep seeing one of those little blue triangles floating up towards me with little white letters that say “All signs point to yes”
…but then it just sorta floats past me…
…and I’m left with confusion… and uncertainty.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. And I’ve known love before. It’s something I felt… To the bone. Right smack in my face. No logic, no justification. Just IT. SMACK! LOVE.
But it stopped somewhere. It stopped and I haven’t felt it since… I’ve had that little flutter once in awhile. I’ve gotten the butterflies a couple times. But no slap in the face.
It makes me think… maybe love isn’t everlasting. Maybe its a moment. Like “happy” or “lonely” or … I dunno “hungry” … Maybe there are just moments where you DO feel love. Where the stars align and the great cosmos come together for a split second to focus all that energy on you when you look into someone’s eyes.
Maybe when you “fall in love” its a split second reaction to the feelings of certain moments. And the memory of those moments keeps you reliving them as long as they last.
And then once the memory of those moments is gone… and the feelings fade… and new moments of Love fail to occur… things start to fall apart. You cling to the pieces of it but it slowly rips itself away from your fingertips…
That makes alot of sense to me with my relationships…
Because I feel like I’m tripping… forgive the bad metaphor… into love with ■■■■■■ sometimes. I can feel that little flutter in my chest and it gets me right up to the edge… but I catch my balance every time.
Am I holding myself back? Why? Am I afraid of something?
Or am I pushing myself too hard to get to that point? Maybe I’m trying to rationalize a reason to feel an irrational emotion. Am I only getting close because I want to be?
…I definitely want to be…
“So tell me… Why Can’t This Be Love?”