Apartners: Why Romantic Partners Choose to Live Separately
I’m an active participant in social media group called Apartners (Living Apart Together), where we share stories and methods for living separately from our romantic partners. The group is diverse; many members are married, have children, and live in a wide range of distances apart. Most are monogamous, but not all. Much of the content includes tips for managing bills, custody, and time. I recommend it for anyone considering or living separately from their partner(s).
Anyway, today the founder posted a conversation-starter question (as she often does) and it applied to me, so I answered and thought it would be good to share my answer outside the group too. 😊
The Discussion
How many of us live apart from our loves for reasons other than kids or jobs and if so what are your main reasons?
Apartners Facebook Group Founder
My Reply
“We live apart because we value our space, independence, and solo time. We both had previous relationships and marriages where cohabitation felt burdensome on the relationship for many reasons. It’s expensive, but we feel it’s well worth the extra effort and priority in our lives.”
Follow-up Question
Corry thanks for sharing. May I ask how it felt burdensome, as someone who has never lived with a partner?
Apartners Facebook Group Founder
My Detailed Response
Some of the things I appreciate especially:
- We reassess our relationship on our own timelines rather than whenever our lease is up for renewal. If the relationship ends, I don’t also have to deal with moving and/or finding a new roommate. If one of us wants to move, we don’t both have to. We can choose different buildings, neighborhoods, or even cities without compromising what we want.
- No tedious discussions about bills. No arguing over thermostat settings, how long our showers are, or who uses too many paper products. No dividing up possessions or arguing over pet custody if there’s a breakup or move.
- I only have to clean up after myself. No one else is telling me when and how I need to do chores. No one else is slacking on their end. And I know if my place is messy, it’s 100% my fault. No externalizing blame or building resentment.
- Anecdote: Since moving into my own place I’ve noticed that small messes sometimes happen that I don’t remember making. When I lived with others, I’d sometimes assume one of my roommates left it behind. I now theorize we all do this when we live with others: build small resentments over hairs in drains, pee droplets on toilet rims, and dust bunnies under furniture. I’m glad to be more aware of it now.
- No waiting for my turn for the bathroom or laundry machines. No disappointment at finding out someone else ate the last Babybel cheese I was craving.
- I’m able to live the minimalist lifestyle I prefer. No debates over new furniture, exercise equipment, unfinished project space, or gadgets I find frivolous wastes of space and money. No debate over what to donate or dispose of.
- I can decorate and design my space however I like without compromise. No worrying about how someone else’s artwork or furniture clashes with mine. No zones of mixed use with confusing color palettes and purposes.
- I can lock my door, close my curtains, and have absolute peace in solitude. Having our own bedrooms or offices is nice, but having a full kitchen and bathroom I don’t have to share feels even better. No matter what, I can always go home and be alone whenever I want to, indefinitely.
tl;dr: Less compromise. Less resentment. More high-quality time together.
Added Commentary: The Cons
So this was basically a list of some of the pros I experience for this arrangement, and I feel like people outside that choice may also be interested in cons (whereas people in the group are well aware of them).
Con: Cost
Living with someone makes housing far more affordable. Splitting rent and utilities is an absolute necessity in high cost regions like ours. I’m fortunate enough to recently be able to afford to live here without splitting rent with someone else. But even before that, I think I prefer living with a platonic roommate over living with a romantic partner.
Transportation costs — sharing a car, not needing to travel to see each other — are another challenge depending on how far away you each live. Currently, my partner and I are walking distance away from each other (different buildings in the same complex, with a secure courtyard adjoining them) so we dodge most transportation cost issues.
And that’s it.
Cost is the only negative I experience for this lifestyle as we currently have it configured. As long as we’re able to continue affording it and we don’t need to live closer to take care of each other’s health needs as we age (an arrangement we’ve discussed but is hopefully not necessary for many years), we want to stay neighbors forever.
The closest thing we’d want if we did make a change was splitting a duplex with a backyard, but I enjoy having neighboring units in condos so much that I don’t think a standalone house is much of an upgrade.