Diagnosis and Validation

Today I received a formal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but it feels emptier than I expected. The sole reason I pursued a diagnosis was because my insurance is more likely to cover gender-affirming care with it. I felt personal validation when my friends, especially others in the trans community, accepted me. United Healthcare simply doesn’t carry emotional weight.

When I got my California driver’s license with the ‘X’ for my gender, I was excited. My home state accepted me on official documentation. The safety I feel here (that’s lacking in other places) isn’t imagined. At least some authorities with official power recognize me.

I like the doctor I met with today. He felt safe to talk to and was just as forthcoming as I was. Hearing him validate my symptoms and history was bittersweet, but I was annoyed it felt so… bureaucratic. I don’t know why it’s so different.

Perhaps because I don’t trust insurance companies. Now it’s on my medical record, and anyone who happens to see it can discriminate against me in ways I might’ve been able to fly under the radar about before.

Then again, I hear that’s part of the trans experience in general. We leave behind the ability to easily pass as cis the closer we get to authenticity. I have my front foot where I want to be and I know it’s time for the other one to join it, but it’s still scary to lift it up.

I’m taking things slow, and trying to be brave. 😊