Engaged!

Bethany and I are getting married! 🎉

Really!?

Bethany and I have discussed marriage since our first date.

Been there, done that, probably not doing it ever again.

both of us — 2021

As we’ve gotten closer, fallen in love, and grown our love into a mature and battle-tested (and still fun) one over the last four years our discussions about marriage changed too.

The Big Party

We started planning a big party that’s not a wedding but celebrates our relationship with family and friends. The ideas involved:

• 🌈 Queerness
• ♾️ Non-monogamy
• ⛪️ Non-religious
• 🧑‍⚖️ Not involving the government in our relationship
• 👰 Avoiding the wedding industry and its mark-ups

While at the same time, having the big extravagant party with dancing, food, drinks, and loved ones from around the globe in attendance. We would still have a small ceremony, wear amazing outfits, and profess our love to each other of course — it just wouldn’t be traditional or legally binding.

Making it Official… Later

Then we talked about making it official at some later date, when the legal protections would make our lives easier. We pictured ourselves in our sixties doing it so we could take care of each other, simplify our wills, and allow us to visit each other in the hospital.

Because we don’t have kids and don’t live together, most of the tax breaks and other benefits of marriage don’t apply to us, so there was no reason to rush into it.

Then 2025 Happened…

It’s not fun to think about, but the stuff going on in the country right now directly affects us, and threatens to affect us more in the near future. When we started preparing ourselves, the pragmatic idea of getting officially married sooner became the smart thing to do. Then no matter how they tried to de-legitimize my gender, our orientations, our lifestyle, or our bond, we’d have it on the books to slow them down.

We started talking about doing the legal part sooner. Eventually, after discussing it with experts, I decided to propose to Bethany at our anniversary dinner in April.

But it’s March…

Yea, I couldn’t wait. 😳😅

I started to get really excited once the idea sank in. I started fantasizing about the wedding, the party, telling our families and friends. And then I looked at my calendar and saw it was still almost a month away! How could I be expected to bear that wait?

So I blurted it out and asked her on a normal-ass Wednesday night, on my couch after she got home from hanging out with friends.

Yea, sure. I thought we already talked about this?

Bethany, flatly

And then I said “Well, yea, but I’m asking you, like officially now.” and we both got all excited and happy-cried.

It wasn’t the most romantic ceremonious thing, but every passing minute after we set it in our hearts (we’re really doing this!) got more and more giddy. This pragmatic thing we’re doing for sensible reasons has been validated thousandfold by our emotional response.

Then when I told Bethany my original plan of proposing at our anniversary dinner, she said she was planning the same thing! So I “ruined” it for her too with my excited impatience. 😅

So we’re really excited to let everyone know!

Leaving most social media behind has been amazing for our mental health, and telling people the news one-on-one over the last few weeks has been way more fun than announcing there. That said, I had to write about it here for anyone who hasn’t heard yet.

We don’t have any dates set yet, but here’s the plan:

1. Draft & sign our pre-nup
2. Get our marriage license and schedule our small ceremony
3. Small ceremony
4. Small local reception
5. Big Party in… 2027? (we’ll see)

Don’t expect Save The Dates to go out any time soon. The small ceremony won’t be something we expect anyone to come out for. It’ll be a quick thing we’re trying to keep as cheap as possible.

The small local reception will probably just be a pot luck or a group order for gluten-free dinner at our apartment complex. We’re just expecting to treat our witnesses and invite a few close local friends there.

Once we get through those, we’ll start formally planning The Big Party and keep loved ones in the loop. Save The Dates and Invitations will happen for that one. I’ll be seeking out ideas for my dress, venues, (etc.) then, so stay tuned!

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FAQ

Are you moving in together?

Nope! We love our LAT (Living Apart Together) arrangement and won’t be changing what works well for us.

Is anyone changing names?

Nope! I’m only changing my titles from “joyfriend” to “fiancée” and then to “spouse” or “wife”… or “joywife”… or some other cute nickname we think of later. I’m keeping “Mx.” when it’s an option (fuck all my political representatives who don’t) and using “Ms.” or “Mrs.” when it’s not.

Bethany likes “wifey” and a few others, and has hesitantly embraced me calling her “my puppy’s momma”.

Bachelorette Parties?

No thanks. We don’t really care for the idea that getting married means the end of anything. We’re both still free to do what we want — “We only do what we want” is our mantra — so there’s no reason to celebrate separately before getting hitched. It’s fine if you want to celebrate our engagement with one of us separately, but we won’t do anything organized as a bachelorette party.