The Feedback We Internalize
Advice/Support request post (linking added for context):
Honest question. I’m bi, poly and looking forward to having a triad or a V. I’m aware of what I’m called and I’m aware of hunters and people who are looking for something different than I.
Anonymous
Why does it feel like people hate me for my prerogative? I’m 38 years old and I know how to see red flags in people. I feel like people hate me 😢
I’ve wanted 2 men in my life who have each other since I was 11 or 12 (in the 90s way before we called it “polyamourous”).
Why is it so faux pas for me to exist? Please answers in kind only. Thanks.
Group members addressed the misunderstandings in this person’s terminology (some more gatekeep-y than others). Others shared useful context for why it’s generally frowned upon in the poly community to seek out specific relationship dynamics instead of seeking out real connections with human beings and letting the relationships form naturally as it fits them.
My advice sought to supplement that on a more core level:
When I feel this way, it means I need to tighten up my bubble a bit. I’m allowing myself to internalize feedback from too many sources.
In extreme cases, this means cutting off and blocking that verbally abusive family member who always passive aggressively calls me fat, weird, sinful, or some other form of unlovable.
In less extreme cases it’s internally hitting mute as soon as some random acquaintance or stranger on the internet does that inhale before saying some bullshit to me. It took practice, but I can trust my instincts now. I know when the garbage is coming and I can simply skip it knowing I’m not missing anything of value. It’s basically the ads that run between the video I’m watching.
Prune your tree.
Keep in mind a very specific small group of people whose opinions you actually value. The type of people you trust have your interests at heart and see you for your true self. People who love you for who you are and want you to be the most actualized and free version of that.
Set another group off to the side who you have to pretend to care about their opinions (bosses, coworkers, landlord, mostly harmless friends and family who mean well but are just dumb or out of touch) and have a smile and nod cued up and ready for them without internalizing it.
The rest goes straight to the spam folder. Doesn’t even get opened. Ideally you don’t even know it arrived.
It’s a skill, so it takes practice. You can do it.
And I skipped straight to my advice without this context bit, but it might be useful too:
Everyone has haters, and we all exist in social superposition. Nothing we do will ever be the right way to be for everyone. Someone will always roll their eyes, scowl, or mock whatever we do. There is no perfect body shape, perfect number of partners to have, or perfect choices to make in our lives.
“They” will never be satisfied, even if we spend our entire life trying to follow every rule and dodge every landmine. The goal posts will just keep moving. So don’t even try to chase external acceptance. We do what we need to survive and drop the rest.
The people who matter won’t want us to pretend to be someone else.
And before anyone suggests I’m pruning my tree to only include enablers and I’m allowing myself to become narcissistic, I’ll clarify:
When we decide on that small number of trusted people, they don’t get demoted when they call us on our bullshit. We take their feedback to heart, even if it stings a little. We give ourselves time to sit with it and consider things before we act.
We only rope them off to another group if we lose trust that they (a.) have our best interests at heart, (b.) their knowledge/worldview is accurate, and (c.) their advice is delivered with kindness.
This is just a general method I have to accepting and internalizing feedback from others. It’s not really specific to polyamory; it just came up in that context.