How Masculine-Appearing People Can Make Others Feel Safe During First Impressions
Context:
I am a single male 59 years old. I have been in poly relationships in the past. 11 years ago. I am not in a relationship now, but I would like to go to some poly events and get to know people with the same mindset. My first event is New Year’s Eve and I’m going alone. The only thing that I’m nervous about is that I’m going in as a single male alone.
Anonymous
There’s always those people to think “Oh he’s here for just the sex” or “the wrong reasons”. I understand it takes time to build these relationships and I’m willing to put in the work. I just can’t get over the uneasy feeling I get knowing that I’m going to be judged by some. It bothers me. I know deep inside I’m going for the right reasons, but it would be a living hell being judged like that. I would have to leave I couldn’t take it. This is frightening to me and I can’t put my finger on why.
So I guess what I’m saying is: Am I alone in feeling this? Is it just me? Get past it, move on? Any ideas on how a single male can get involved in a poly relationship? My last poly relationship just happened naturally. I’m lost as to how to go about finding another poly relationship. I understand it takes time. But what are the important things I can do along the way to help it along?
If there’s anything that’s helped me as a masc-appearing person it’s this:
If you have really strong consent skills and use them consistently (not just in potentially sexual situations, but in any situation where you might touch someone, offer them food or drink, or engage them in conversation), people notice that and are drawn to it.
Not just knowing “the right words”, but living a life of asking for consent in all things involving others is something high quality people recognize. It’s nearly impossible to fake, so I look for it in friends and potential partners too.
Most of us over age 30 weren’t brought up with consent skills, sadly, but we can all learn them at any point in our lives. I hope more kids learn those skills each generation and this sensitivity and mutual respect becomes so widespread that we can take it for granted someday.