How Men Can Make Others Feel Safe During First Impressions
How does a masculine-presenting person assure someone new that they’re a good guy?
Context: A Group Post
I am a single male 59 years old. I have been in poly relationships in the past. 11 years ago. I am not in a relationship now, but I would like to go to some poly events and get to know people with the same mindset. My first event is New Year’s Eve and I’m going alone. The only thing that I’m nervous about is that I’m going in as a single male alone.
Anonymous
There’s always those people to think “Oh he’s here for just the sex” or “the wrong reasons”. I understand it takes time to build these relationships and I’m willing to put in the work. I just can’t get over the uneasy feeling I get knowing that I’m going to be judged by some. It bothers me. I know deep inside I’m going for the right reasons, but it would be a living hell being judged like that. I would have to leave I couldn’t take it. This is frightening to me and I can’t put my finger on why.
So I guess what I’m saying is: Am I alone in feeling this? Is it just me? Get past it, move on? Any ideas on how a single male can get involved in a poly relationship? My last poly relationship just happened naturally. I’m lost as to how to go about finding another poly relationship. I understand it takes time. But what are the important things I can do along the way to help it along?
My Response
If anything’s helped me as a masc-appearing person it’s this:
People notice when you have strong consent skills and use them consistently. It’s an attractive quality. Not just in potentially sexual situations. Anytime you might touch, offer food or drink, or engage in conversation with someone new.
People recognize the difference between knowing “the right words” and living a life in respect of others’ autonomy. Asking for consent in all things involving other people. It’s nearly impossible to fake, so I look for it in friends and potential partners too.
Reflection After My Response
Most of us over age 30 weren’t brought up with consent skills, sadly. But we can all learn them at any point in our lives. I hope more kids learn those skills each generation and this sensitivity and mutual respect becomes so widespread that we can take it for granted someday.
I have lots of other advice for authentic good people who struggle with showing others how safe they are to be around, but felt like this was where this person needed to begin.
Next I’d probably talk about listening and seeing people as they want to be seen rather than who they are to us.