Opt Out of Society

I haven’t done a “new laws” post in years, but it seems appropriate for my current mood. (Fuck Bill Maher, but New Rules is still a great bit)

The premise for my “new laws” posts is that I am briefly granted the power to unilaterally pass whatever laws I want. Immediately after doing so, I go back to being a regular citizen and everyone acts like the laws went into effect.

In this edition, I’ll provide a new service to members of our society that believe themselves to be terribly oppressed.

Taxation Is Theft

This idiotic buzz phrase runs rampant among the biggest losers and evilest crony capitalists in our society.

But hey, they want out, so let’s provide them with a path to non-citizenship.

Months of bureaucracy later

Congratulations on completing the process of opting out! Assuming you’re all paid up for any tax liability you have today, you are now excluded from paying any federal or state taxes.

Here are the new laws that will let you finally eschew the weight society has placed on you.

Licenses & Accounts

All licenses granted to you by the U.S. and/or any State government are revoked. You will surrender ID cards, passports, license plates, and any other physical proof of licenses or citizenship you no longer hold.

Any FDIC-insured accounts, stocks, bonds, and/or corporations tied to these licenses that remain in your possession are forfeited to the public trust and/or nationalized. After all, you didn’t build that on your own.

Any offshore accounts found during our investigation will be seized and their funds will be used toward the IRS’s budget for investigating and prosecuting tax evasion in individuals with annual income at or above $500,000.

Pro Tip: If you volunteer these accounts in your opt-out application, you can have your prison sentence reduced and your opt-out process will resume after you’ve served your sentence.

Other Taxes & Fees

Businesses still have to pay taxes and fees to operate in this country. They will pass the overhead from those taxes on to their customers, as always. That’s just the free market!

Utilities like water, electricity, sewage, sanitation, hospitals, landline phone, internet, [etc.] are not required to serve you. They are allowed to charge additional fees for opted-out customers to make up the difference from reduced tax revenue toward paying down utility costs.

In cases of natural disasters and state of emergency, FEMA and other state and federal agencies will prioritize opted-out residents after all other U.S. residents, regardless of their citizenship status.

Citizenship

You will be considered undocumented if you remain in the country.

Pro Tip: It is recommended that you apply to become a Lawful Permanent Resident before you finalize your opt-out process if you plan on staying here.

An immigrant in the long line to become a tax-paying contributing U.S. citizen will have their citizenship process fast-tracked in your place.

Your social security number will be marked as “forfeited” and you will lose access to any social security benefits. You will not be refunded previous contributions to these funds.

Rugged Individualism!

Thank you for opting out of society. We’re glad that we could unburden you today. Enjoy your freedom from all of our oppression! We wish you luck out there!

And now the lede I buried…

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Public Health

I — fully vaccinated since April — am now wearing masks indoors again.

<sarcasm>It’s super cool being a contributing member of society with people who want all of its benefits while opting out of even the smallest bit of personal responsibility.</sarcasm>

This meme was intended to draw attention to the cognitive dissonance that occupies [ anti-choice + anti-vaccine ] people. Of course, many of the people sharing it are viewing it as some sort of equivalency.

This is fucking stupid.

Getting an abortion does not put anyone else in danger. Choosing not to get a vaccine puts anyone you come in contact with in danger. There is no equivalency.

Bodily Autonomy & Vaccines

First of all, let’s tear apart the notion that the state is forcibly vaccinating anyone. Anyone seriously advocating for that is purposely making bad (worse than mine, even) hot takes for attention-seeking purposes. Drop the straw man argument.

Anyone who’s read my previous work knows that bodily integrity is extremely important to me. I don’t think anyone should be forced to do anything with their body against their will.

That being said…

My rights end where yours begin.

This is the only ethical view on liberty. To do whatever we want as long as we’re not hurting anyone else is the backbone of any society that truly values liberty for all.

Still want to maintain your bodily integrity and choose not to get vaccinated? Fine. Here’s what that means.

Opt Out of Public Health

• Businesses are allowed to refuse employment, entry, and services to you. Law enforcement will uphold their right to exclude you. They can require any of these from you for entry:
  • provide proof of vaccination
  • wear a mask
  • social distance
  • stay only in designated areas (example: curbside pickup only)
• You are barred from public transit and entry to any air or seaport.
• States have the right to deny you entry at their borders.
• Your unvaccinated children aren’t allowed to attend public school.

This is the only way you can maintain your bodily integrity and liberty without infringing upon the safety of others. You get to choose and the people around you get to choose if they want you around.

See? I can be reasonable!

No ICE-style concentration camps for the unvaccinated. No rifles loaded with vaccine darts. No “Selfish” forehead tattoos. Super proud of myself about my restraint here considering the absolute power I had to make these new laws.

In all seriousness…

I believe we should have the following policies [numbers are all fuzzy math]:

• Create a Public Health Passport ID that indicates full vaccination status (not just for COVID) and provide software that allows businesses and services to quickly check customers’ status against the protocols they wish to enforce in their space.
  • Tie it to standard government identification and handle it in the cloud from there if possible.
    
• Authorize hospitals and other healthcare facilities to prioritize patients with Public Health Passports when their time and resources are limited.
  
• Any event or venue hosting [minimum attendee number (50? 100?)] or more people must require proof of vaccination for entry and is not obligated to provide refunds for non-compliance.
  • This includes airports, public transit, and other transit hubs.
    
• Provide annual tax credits to citizens who:
  • are fully vaccinated
  • join an approved contact tracing program of their choice
    
• Provide a guaranteed monthly stimulus to any adult who made less than [$50K] in the previous year. It doesn’t expire until three months after COVID-19 is eradicated.
  • Unemployed citizens included with no penalty.
  • Provide a way to reinstate this policy quickly for future public health emergencies.
    
• Provide a one-time $5,000 “thank you / we’re sorry” stimulus to anyone who made less than [$80K] in 2020 and worked in:
  • Healthcare
  • Grocery Stores
  • Food Service
  • Delivery Workers
  • Personal Care Services
  • Funeral / Death Services
  • Sanitation Services
  • [probably just “the service industry” in general]
    
• Solidify funding to the CDC and WHO and write laws to prevent political motives from inhibiting them.

Final Thoughts

This was fun. It’s been a while since I fired off a hot take. I hope you enjoyed reading it at least a fraction as much as I enjoyed slamming the keys on my keyboard and launching it into the cloud.

And to anyone opting out, a hearty fuck you. 😃