Setting Ourselves Up for Disappointment
Context:
I currently only have one partner, who is married and has another partner. New Years is the time of the year where I most don’t want to be alone. I see it as a time when people spend time with the people who are most important in their life, and I want to be that for people. It’s triggered feelings of loneliness over the last few years when I reflect on my life at the end of the year and realize that I don’t have anybody for that. It happens every holiday, but especially New Years.
Anonymous
So, the one partner I have, I mentioned to him a month or a month and a half ago via text that I would like to spend new years with him, even if it’s not just one-on-one. I was glad to have a partner who I could spend that special time with, be a special person in that way for. It was a vulnerable ask, because I feel loneliness so strongly then, and asking for what I need when it might inconvenience others is hard. I don’t have a place where I can easily host a group of people though, and I know he has other partners, so I was unsure what this would look like, and couldn’t just invite him and others over hosting. I feel some insecurity about this, too, as a thirty-something living with roommates who are effectively strangers and not feeling I have space for hosting in a more homey way. But I wanted to express that it was important to me, and that was progress for me, and I did. Fast-forward to Yesterday: he texted me saying that he’d made plans to spend time with one of his other partners for new years, and it really stung 😔
I acknowledged that this other partner lives farther away, that it’s harder for them to plan time together, that I didn’t proactively make plans and can’t expect him to read my mind or do that for me, and he responded compassionately, said he would like special time with me over the next couple of weeks, etc. But it hurts 😞 and it’s triggering feelings of “this is why you need an anchor or primary partner”. I know that he’s a great, conscientious partner, and in 1.5 years I have felt really loved and cared for. But this hurts. It now feels like intruding to ask “Can I spend that time with you and your other partner?” But it also feels pretty fucking pathetic 😭
Any advice, wisdoms, call-outs or consolations appreciated ❤️
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had several times in my life when I’ve been through similar feelings.
While some of this is unfortunate circumstance, I had to eventually admit to myself that it was self-sabotage.
I built up a date in my mind (my birthday or a holiday). I hinted to others that I wanted to spend that time with them, but didn’t want to be too direct for fear of rejection or being burdensome. The exact right people didn’t show up on the day I built up and I’d have a huge emotional drop. I internalized it as “no one loves me” or “no one cares _enough_ about me to show up to this one thing I told them was special” and spiraled into “I am unworthy of love” and “I’ll be alone forever”.
All of this is false, and its falseness is obvious. None of my people felt that way or wanted me to feel that way.
In cases where it wasn’t just a one-on-one event, the people who showed up didn’t get my best self that day because I was so let down by those who didn’t. That wasn’t fair to them, even if they may not have noticed.
We do not “need” a particular type of partner or any partner at all. We are enough just as we are, like Mr. Rogers said.
What I needed was to stop constructing Rube Goldberg machines involving other people in my efforts to self-harm. No building up a date. No vague lack of a plan. No weeks of anticipation.
(As always, therapy helped)
In addition to this advice, I only plan things I’d enjoy even if I’m the only one who shows up, and I carefully guard my emotions from putting too much weight on specific individuals showing up regardless of their RSVP status.