So You Find Yourself on the Other Side

575 words published on Nov 8, 2024

I removed dozens of people from my social media accounts this week. Unlike many marginalized people who are doing this out of fear, I’ve come to understand it as retracting a charitable hand.

I provided you with a service. An easy-to-consume window into my experience of queerness, creativity, and humanity. An opportunity for you to say “my trans friend” or “my queer friend” or “my poly friend” or “my autistic friend” in conversations. I helped validate your belief that you’re an inclusive open-minded person with a diverse group of friends.

The Paradox of Tolerance disappears if you look at tolerance, not as a moral standard, but as a social contract. If someone doesn't abide by the terms of the contract, they aren't covered by it. In other words: The intolerant are not following the rules of the social contract of mutual tolerance. Since they have broken the terms of the contract, they are no longer covered by the contract, and their intolerance should not be tolerated. (inspired by 'Tolerance is not a moral precept' by Yonathan Zunger)

I tolerated your tolerance™ of me because I hoped seeing my humanity would radicalize you. It seemed to work for lots of others, but you lagged behind. I hoped my vulnerability would spark an epiphany where you suddenly realized how oppressive our systems, media, and social conditioning are. How limiting it is to be given the false options of “male/female” “neurotypical/able-bodied/productive” “white” and be “optimistic/patriotic” about it. To tell us we’ll be charged with perjury to choose anything else. Dooming us to a lifetime with the pain of bending ourselves into an unnatural shape if we want to avoid punishment and poverty.

If you still want that perspective, it’s here. I won’t stop writing or talking to you. You just have to show up and engage with it. It’s no longer going to be just another square in a sea of ads you passively scroll past.

Maybe You’re Surprised

This doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It doesn’t mean I think you’ll out me or my friends to the gestapo. It means I need to focus my time and energy on the smaller pool of people who’ve vocally shown up when I asked. It means I’m holding the value of my presence a little higher now.

It means I need you to do your own work before I feel like I can invite you into my inner circles again. I need you to come to me on my terms, either reading what I continue to write here or messaging me directly for a one-on-one conversation. I need to feel like you value my existence more than you care about your taxes going up or your religious/philosophical beliefs being forced on others.

Because frankly, the humanity of my loved ones was a dealbreaker to me when I was like 10 years old. I am not expecting too much of you to get there as an adult.

And if you believe you already are on that level, consider being more effective. If you spend more time making sure everyone knows you’re an ally than you do actually doing the hard things, then you’re not an ally. If you’re not voting for harm reduction, organizing, canvassing, confronting your loved ones, or at the very least reading, you’re just looking for an undeserved medal of honor.

And If You’re Not Surprised

Why did you want to be my friend in the first place?

I don’t know why you’d pretend to be my friend while not believing
I deserve to exist.
Or at least that I don’t deserve healthcare. That I deserve to live in misery or die.
I don’t get it.

Were you doing research to build up ammunition to use against people like me?

Were you visiting the zoo to see people you can feel superior to and stroke your ego the way one hate watches reality TV shows? Get that shit elsewhere.

Were you using my presence to endear yourself to others in my circle? So you could trick them into believing you’re safe for them to be around? If so, I hope they see through your performance like I have.