Struggling with Poly Jealousy

923 words published on Oct 6, 2023

I posted this anonymously on a polyamory support discussion group on social media.

TL;DR: I entered my first poly-from-the-beginning relationship two years ago and I’m absolutely in love with this person. In my logical mind, I am poly through-and-through, but when my partner spends romantic or sexual time with others I experience severe physical pain that feels like an anxiety attack and doesn’t go away entirely for days after. It’s making me wonder if I’m truly poly or just poly in theory.

What I’m looking for:

Did any of you start this way and then later come around to be confidently poly? If so, could you share some encouragement or maybe some epiphanies you had along the way that helped you get there?
For anyone who’s felt the jealousy as a physical pain in their chest or stomach, do the physical pains get easier over time? Is there anything that can help them once they start (not with prep beforehand, because I do okay when I have time to plan)?
Thoughtful encouragement that’s not just generic memes, but those are okay too I guess. 🙂

The details:

My partner has been solo poly for most of their adult life and has lots of experience. They’re always 100% transparent, honest, thoughtful, and accommodating for me and my feelings. They’ve never broken a boundary I’ve communicated. They’ve also barely spent any romantic/sexual time with anyone else over our relationship (maybe half a dozen times), so it’s not a frequency thing at all.

They probably knew within a sentence or two that I’m behind this anon post. ❤️

I’m a middle-aged experienced serial monogamist whose done “single dating multiple people in parallel” and some “monogamish” open relationship stuff in my past, but I’ve always felt like I was poly. I don’t miss dating other people while I’m in a monogamous relationship unless my needs aren’t being met, but I definitely hold love, crushes, and romantic feelings for others while I’m in those commitments. I just don’t act on them and it’s fine.

I don’t remember experiencing too much pain (not zero) about not pursuing other relationships while in mono commitments. If working on things didn’t take, I’d generally end a mono relationship that wasn’t working before significant resentment built up. That “FOMO” feels like a bittersweet longing sensation. Totally tolerable. I’m hoping I can feel this way about poly jealousy someday.

I want to be poly. It makes my life make sense. It’s easier for me to make long term commitments to people without eternal exclusivity. I’ve been married before and had it end (amicably, but sadly and inconveniently) because both of us changed so much since we made our commitments that it just wasn’t going to work. I don’t plan on stopping myself from growing and changing anytime while I’m alive, so another marriage — if I decide I even want one — is likely only in the cards for me if we have some flexibility.

But the pain is just so deep and unrelenting. I try not to show it to my partner because I don’t want them to feel any guilt about it. I don’t want them to feel like they shouldn’t be doing what they want to do with their own body, time, and infinite well of love. I want them to feel completely free with me.

I definitely experience compersion when I’m feeling secure, but that’s usually after the pain has passed and we’re in the same space together again.

I can endure this occasional pain for this relationship for now, but I definitely need it to get better to stay forever like I truly want to. I’m living in the present and loving it as best as I can.

My partner is not entirely against making adjustments to our dynamic, but I don’t want to if we can avoid it. I want to do the work myself before we even consider it.

What I’m doing now to try and work on it:

1.) I’m fighting my insecurities in both myself and our relationship. The self-critical voice in my head isn’t the main driving force behind my jealousy pains, but it’s not absent either. I’m asking for help from my loved ones, reaching out to my local queer community, and seeking a poly-literate therapist to aid me.

2.) I’ve read Polysecure, subscribe to multiple podcasts, and have been an active member of this group for over two years now. I’m a slow reader, but I’m continuing to absorb as much experience from others as I can.

3.) I’ve been doing minor flirting this entire time we’ve dated, but I haven’t actually had more than a first date or two yet. I’ve rejoined a dating app and am trying to see if “actually doing the poly thing” more proactively will help me see their side. I’m hoping if I do feel and experience romantic, and perhaps eventually sexual (I’m demi and I tend to move slow in this realm), things with another partner while still happily in my anchor relationship, that I’ll see firsthand what you all see: That my feelings for my AP aren’t diminished at all, my love is as infinite as I believe it to be, and my anchor partner is still as important to me as ever. I’m hoping feeling that for myself helps wash all the irrational insecurity, paranoia, and hurt away.

Details that may be relevant:

Pansexual, Demisexual, Non-binary mid-slow-transition toward more femme, Autistic, ADHD, Depression and SAD, living in a large liberal safe city.

Thanks for reading and responding.