To Whom It May Concern
Dear [hiring manager],
My name is Corry Frydlewicz, and I’m interested in paying my mortgage, healthcare, and eating a job at your company! I’m a cis heterosexual white man who thinks everyone above me in the org chart is very smart, good-looking, and works harder than everyone else.
I definitely have normal-colored hair styled in a normal way and wear business clothing at all times; even in the shower! But if you don’t like how I look, I’ll change it however you like. I’m also entirely neurotypical, but I’m also neurodivergent in specific ways that you can exploit for profit. I don’t have any chronic illnesses that could possibly lead to me using time off to get medical care or call in sick either.
As a dedicated worker, I don’t have a life outside of work and exist entirely to make you money. I’ll even commute into your office at my expense, on my own unpaid time, to work next to dozens of other people during a deadly pandemic, even though remote work is demonstrably and obviously a smarter business decision for everyone.
Being paid is just a lovely side benefit to being blessed with employment by an almighty job creator who deserves to run everything in our society because having lots of money makes you better people.
I’m also an excellent team player. You won’t see me supporting or joining a union; no sir! Those are for commies! If anyone accuses you of sexual harassment or assault, I’ll step up to support you as a character witness because that’s what team players do, apparently.
When you have one of your many great innovative ideas that contradicts decades of scientifically-gathered data and direct feedback from our customers, I’ll be happy to implement it without hesitation! You obviously know what you’re doing. You only hire experts and specialists because you don’t have enough time to do it all yourself. You don’t need anyone else getting in the way of your bold disruptive strategies. And let’s be real here, you’d probably do it way better. 😉
Oh crap! Are emojis okay in a cover letter? They’re part of normal everyday human interaction, but will this one little bundle of symbols disqualify me? 😰😟 Oh no! I can’t stop! I’m going to die on the streets of preventable causes!
*ahem*
I embrace change and view every challenge as an opportunity, so when you defund or layoff half my team while simultaneously demanding we amp up production, I’ll be super excited about that! Just another opportunity to shine.
Thank you so much for—Oops! I see you’ve got a little something…
As I was saying, thank you so much for your valuable time. I’ll be anxiously refreshing my inbox for the next week looking for your response while writing up a GoFundMe page for my basic medical care. Feel free to ghost me at any point and disregard the effort that goes into applying for dozens of jobs with thoughtfully customized documents for each one.
Kind regards,
Corry
What do y’all think of my supplication for survival in our capitalist hellscape cover letter template? Any notes?