My Vasectomy Story – Decision Through Completion

This is the story of my vasectomy, and all the stuff that comes with it. I’ll leave out the gross details, I promise.

The Decision

Throughout Kati and my relationship, we’ve discussed the idea of being parents. I decided a couple years before we met that I was pretty sure I didn’t want kids, but I never did anything “final” to commit to that. I also didn’t want to get married of course.

I turned 30 last year and I realized that I still had a near 0% desire to have kids. I don’t foresee that changing in the next 5-6 years either, which would be our limit before we start risking birth defects due to our ages. We decided that we can make this commitment now and if we unexpectedly want children later we can reverse it or adopt.

I’ve also been considering what I’d want to do when I retire. My parents both retired a couple years ago and it got me thinking — more like fantasizing — about it. I don’t think I’d want to stop working, but I don’t think I’d want to keep doing what I do now. I think I’d like to be a part-time teacher. Perhaps I could teach computer classes or art at a local high school. That way if I got a hankering for having an influence on kids, I could go in that direction too!

There are lots of other options too. I could be a nanny, since I always liked babysitting as a teenager. Or perhaps just having a bunch of dogs/pigs/goats if we had a house big enough. There are lots of ways I could enjoy the benefits of parenting without actually impregnating my wife. This is a big part of what made this decision pretty easy.

Of course, there are moments when I feel slightly conflicted. Like when I watch Master Chef Junior and see some super bright kids doing something awesome. Or when I meet a really cool young kid that’s likely one of my friends’ children. But I always come back to “not for me” soon after and revel in the memory that I can always go visit my friends’ cool kids whenever I like without having to take them home with me. In fact, I’m sure the parents would love a free babysitter.

And then there are the times when I’m incredibly glad that I won’t have kids. Every time I go to the mall or a department store and see the screaming brats and their stressed out parents. Every time I go to the airport. Every time I hear about public education having its budgets cut again. Every time I think about taking a vacation and how much I’d dread making it a “family vacation” instead of just doing what I want and relaxing.

I’m simply too selfish to be a full-time parent, and those moments have a bigger impact on me than any of the perceived positives.

Eve of the Vasectomy

The night before the vasectomy, Kati surprised me by telling me around 3pm that I had a massage appointment at 5:30 near my office. She got me a body massage and a special Indian scalp massage where they use a bunch of nice-smelling oils and rub my scalp for half an hour. It was awesome.

After that, she took me out to dinner at Plouf, which is a local French restaurant that specializes in mussels. I love mussels almost as much as I love crab.

Kati treated me like a king that night. It reminded me of how we treated our pets to extra long walks, dog park trips, fancy soft food, and treats before we got them fixed. The parallels were enjoyable to think about.

I wasn’t really nervous about it. My urologist had very high ratings and my consult with her beforehand made me feel really comfortable with her knowledge and experience. During her examination, she even pinched the spot where I would be feeling the pressure during the vasectomy to give me an idea of what it would be like. It was definitely uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

This would be a good time to clear up some of the questions my friends have asked me about it, since my urologist verified these things for me after I did all my research.

Will my vasectomy affect my sex life? Absolutely. Not having to wear condoms should affect it very nicely. Not having the anxiety of “What if she gets pregnant?” will also be nice. My ability to perform will be completely unchanged, and everything that occurs should be exactly the same to the naked senses.

Will my testosterone levels change? Nope. The only thing that’s being removed from the equation is the itty bitty sperm cells themselves. I’ll still be a loud, hairy, smelly, man.

What if I change my mind? Vasectomy reversals are no fun to have done, but they have a very high success rate in recent years.

Vasectomy Day

I dressed comfortably with a light T-shirt, gym shorts, and sandals. I drove us down to Mountain View, but Kati drove us back afterward.

When we walked in, I was informed that, essentially, because my company’s new insurance United HealthCare sucks, I have a co-pay of $540 before the procedure even starts. Luckily I had it in my account, but it would have been pretty ridiculous if I had to cancel at that point. It also obviously sucks that I am now $540 poorer than I expected to be.

My urologist and her support staff all had awesome bedside manner. They made me feel as comfortable as I could be in that situation. I dropped trou and put my legs in the stirrups. I immediately empathized with women having their exams done, since it was a pretty vulnerable feeling. It didn’t help that the door to that room kept opening as her assistant would go out to grab things. The hallway beyond was mostly uninhabited since the room was way in the back, but it still made me feel very self-conscious.

The initial pinch of local anesthesia was pretty painful, but it went quickly. After that, it just felt very weird. I felt like I was an android being re-wired. Images of setting up all the wiring for my surround sound system (cutting copper wires) ran through my mind. It was very uncomfortable, but the pain was mostly gone.

“You have a very … challenging scrotum.”

My Urologist

If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is. What she was referring to was my very thick skin. I have that all over, so I already knew it from my tattoo artists. I generally take up to 25% more tattoo ink than the average person. I was also quite nervous obviously, so things were a bit compressed. This meant the vasectomy took a little longer than expected, but they still managed to succeed.

They lightened the mood in the room by being great conversationalists. I use humor to mask my fear, anxiety and pain, so this worked perfectly for me. We joked around about our dogs a lot especially.

The Aftermath

It was around 1pm when we got out and I wasn’t allowed to eat anything for 12 hours before the vasectomy, so I was starving. Kati drove us to In-N-Out right near the doctor’s office. It was perfect. Two Animal style Double  Doubles with cheese and chocolate milkshakes later, we were on our way back home.

My doctor told me that my medical marijuana would be perfect for the post-operation pain as long as I took Aleve if I felt I also needed an anti-inflammatory. I can’t remember why, but I didn’t bring any with me on the trip there. The ride home became pretty uncomfortable after my pain killers wore off. Every single small bump in the road was torturous by the time we got home. And that was nothing compared to needing to climb 3.5 flights of stairs once we got home.

As soon as I got home, I was able to sit in a nice soft recliner and stone up. Once it started to kick in, life was good again. I spent a couple hours playing Transistor, which I really enjoyed. Sadly, they released a patch that caused it to crash constantly it for me. I still haven’t been able to play the game since, though they assure me they’re still working on it. I switched over to catching up on the anime shows my friends told me to check out: Hunter X Hunter and Fairy Tail.

The day after, I received a package from Graze (if you sign up, use Kati’s code for free samples: 25WH46J3B). Apparently Kati signed me up for a gift subscription there and it coincidentally arrived at just the right moment. It was perfect for sitting on the couch watching anime with the munchies.

3 Weeks Later

Since the vasectomy, one incision healed perfectly and I can’t even tell where it was anymore. Sadly, the other incision broke its stitch and is still healing. The pain is almost nothing now, but I occasionally get a pang when moving my legs a lot.

I have to … “exhaust my inventory” before I can be considered officially sterile, so I’m working on getting that done before our honeymoon in July. I thought it would be easy, but I’m pretty much never in the mood because of the discomfort.

I’m really looking forward to it healing completely.

If anything changes, I’ll update this article once I’m back from our honeymoon. If this is all that stays on this post, then rest assured that I am a happy customer!