Emotional Dump
CW: I need to vent. Please don’t read this if you’re already overburdened.
I already know what I need to do for what I’m about to talk about. I’ve identified the things I can and can’t help. I have support systems ready if I need them. I just hate being in this current state.
It’s cold.
Everything hurts. My neck and back hurt all year round, but the cold makes it worse. My hands and knees hurt badly when it’s cold — like icy electricity pulsing through them. The knees are old injuries and nearly two decades of morbid obesity. I suspect the hands are early symptoms of arthritis that’ll likely continue to worsen each year.
My S.A.D. isn’t new to me. It lingers in the background of everything I do from early November through March. I have to limit my social interactions and brace for executive dysfunction. I have to carefully edit anything I share or send, especially at work. The brain fog has been real, and I’m not sure if it’s long COVID or stress or all of the above.
I absolutely hate Winter. Even in California, where it’s mild.
I’m broke.
When I bought my home, I dropped my savings on my down payment. Then, less than a year after closing, we were hit with an urgent siding replacement project on our entire complex that cost me a surprise $28,000. I saved up for four months and dropped my entire bonus from the 2021 holiday season on it. I was proud I didn’t have to finance it, but I was back at zero again.
My dog is dying. I spent about $15,000 on testing, treatments, and medication for him last year. This morning, for no discernable reason, I had the “If I Had a Million Dollars” song in my head. And the first thing I’d do would be to make Kalbi into the robo-dog he’d need to be to live a few more years. For now, I’m trying to keep affording just his medication to keep him comfortable.
I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck all year. I luckily don’t have a car, but every essential’s price rose by about 20% at the same time and wrecked my budget. I took only the most important trips, and cut back everywhere I could without losing my mind (an uncle must see their nibblings at least once per year). I canceled my birthday last year and hope I don’t have to again this year for my 40th.
My credit cards aren’t maxed out yet, but they’re not going down either. I opened a zero interest card to dump some of my balance into to pay off the one I had, but I worry about paying it off before that 1 year offer ends.
I miss being able to buy everyone drinks when I go out with friends. I miss being able to donate to charities readily. I miss being able to assure friends and family that I can help them if their lives hit snags. I miss having a rainy day fund in savings. It just needs to stop “raining” constantly for a little while.
I’m scared.
My boss’s boss got laid off this week. He was the head of our entire department and a sort of unofficial mentor to me. He hired me. He cared about what we did more than how we did it, nurtured an environment where we could all call for help and answer each others’ calls without fear of judgment, and shared information with us as transparently as he could when decisions were made above our heads. He also dressed and acted like a normal person and not a corporate drone, which made me feel like I belonged here too. Maybe even in upper management someday.
A few months ago, my other mentor in the company was also laid off. He was a leader who advocated for autistic and otherwise neurodivergent employees. When he was let go, I worried about how I could be seen as management material. Now with both of them gone, I feel the ground beneath me trembling.
If I lose my job, the tenuous balance I have for paying for my home, taking care of my dog (who takes care of me in many ways), and taking care of myself (personal trainer, healthcare, gender affirmation procedures) could all collapse. In today’s work market, I may simply be fucked. So I’m trying to keep everything I can stable, and keep my options open where I can. All without having a nervous breakdown.
I’m having a hard time.
In April, my mortgage payments will reduce a little and my 401k loan (a small one used to cover unexpected closing costs my realtor failed to calculate properly) will be paid off. Around that time, I may also get a tax refund if I’m lucky. I doubt we’ll get bonuses this year, but if I do it’ll be around then. So I’m just trying as best as I can to hold it together until April.
For the last 3 months, I’ve woken up to hammers, drills, saws, and shouting construction workers. I can’t have natural light come into my windows without exposing all my business to them, so that’s been rough for my vitamin D deficiency (related to S.A.D.). My windows and sliding doors on my balcony are being replaced next week, where I’ll need to be present during my work day and keeping Kalbi calm and out of the way of the workers as the cold air flows freely through my apartment. I hope after that I’ll be able to relax a bit more. The project on my building doesn’t officially end until the end of April, but maybe it’ll at least get quieter.
Deep breath. April.
Coping
Part of my coping strategy is consuming my favorite hopeful media. One of the things I’ve started rewatching again recently is Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans.
Without too many spoilers, it’s a show about a group of kids who were born into a world of poverty and indentured servitude. They use the skills and experience they were forced to learn in the harshest conditions to break out of the grasp of their oppressors and carve their own path.
And there’s giant anime robots, so that’s cool too.
Thanks for reading. I haven’t wanted to dump everything on y’all, but I feel like bursting into tears in between Zoom meetings at work.