How can someone not notice intense pain?

I woke up and had to immediately start working because some coworkers assume we wave a magic wand and code just appears.

I finally get a moment (almost noon) when I can walk Kalbi, and I realize that underneath all the frustration, low energy, brain fog, insomnia, and general bad mood… is an intense pain flare that I didn’t even notice.

And you might think “How can someone not notice intense pain?”

There are a few reasons for that.

1. Pain is white noise for me. Pain scales are wildly different between individuals, but I’d say my floor is around a 3 if I’m not medicating. An absolute minimum of 3/10. On a regular day, the average is about a 4 or 5.
2. I have ADHD, which makes me hyperfocus on tasks and lose peripheral perception. This is one of the reasons Kalbi helps me so much. He reminds me to take a break to walk him, feed him, play/cuddle with him. And in those moments I can take a beat to check on myself. Usually it’s realizations like “I haven’t eaten yet, let’s make something” or “I’ve been holding my bladder for four hours” or “I need to do my workout”.
   
   Sometimes it’s important things like “I need to take medicine today. The pain is too much.” Because I’ve been snapping at co-workers, having trouble focusing, and holding my body in poor posture for three hours.
3. As most people reading this probably know, I take medical marijuana to treat it. I don’t take it while working, mostly because of public perception.
   
   I’m in a role where I need to be visible on Zoom and my days are filled with constantly shifting priorities and communication with dozens of people all over the Gap Inc. organization. Managing my image as someone who is capable, confident, and decisive is enough effort without having red eyes or slightly less ability to multi-task.

My medicine does not actually make me worse at my job. It usually makes me better. I just still have to perform for people with outdated ideas about who is “management material” and what a leader looks like. Having dry red eyes and slightly slurred speech isn’t part of that.

And I can’t call out ableist discrimination when it’s never spoken aloud.

Being able to look like mysel

[I had to run to clean up Kalbi’s puke because he ate a bunch of grass on our walk and decided to wait to purge it on my rug instead of the sidewalk or all the tile in most if my place. – See? Constantly shifting priorities]

I’ll finish this thought later.