Lalafell Gender Transition

To anyone who plays: Please excuse my lack of detailed explanations. I deleted sooooo much text explaining game details to stick to the purpose of this post and keep it short. 😅

For anyone who doesn’t play Final Fantasy XIV, my character’s race is called Lalafell. They’re basically the least gendered species ever. Little fingerling potatoes made sentient. There’s currently no way to choose any gender but male/female for any race in the game, but Lalafells are basically indistinguishable.

I didn’t take the time or effort to screenshot what my male Lalafell looked like right before I spent $10 to change to the female version, but the ridiculous shot at the top of this post is basically it. This is what she looks like now.

Final Fantasy XIV Society

As soon as I logged back in after making the switch, as anyone would likely expect, all the characters in the world immediately switched to she/her/madam/mistress/etc. pronouns and honorifics. No awkward transitions or needs for the NPCs to take time to pivot their thinking. I didn’t lose any progress or reputation with any of the factions. My stats didn’t change. I just arrived and continued about my day and nobody batted an eye.

I was unprepared for the emotional impact this completely obvious and expected thing had.

The world(s) of FFXIV are often utopian (constantly in crisis of course, but utopian nonetheless), but the way this experience immediately switched on a dime made it feel even more so for me.

Throughout my time questioning my gender, the magic wand question has been a truth-finder for me. The things I choose when I can put myself in an imaginary space of safety tend to reveal my innermost truths and desires. There are few safer places than the character creation screen of a video game.

I made this character in 2012

File this under my continuously expanding folder of “There were signs.” 🐣

I made my Lalafell Black Mage 12 years ago and I remember wanting him to be this unassuming, tiny, smooth, genderless little guy who created giant explosions. He had subtle little stars on his cheek to represent the enormous meteors he’d bring down from the sky onto my unsuspecting enemies in the cutest possible way, and it gave him a little bit of a Ziggy Stardust vibe.

Switching him to female this week was so weird. Ever since I started playing again a little over a month ago I’d been considering it. The item that lets you change your character’s core configurations (race, gender, horoscope, etc.) costs $10 in real money, so I kept brushing off the impulse. It’d be silly to drop real money just to change my characters eyelashes a little.

It’s been less than a week since I did it and the euphoria I feel in my escapist MMO world when I play now is so worth that $10. The first time an NPC I’ve known for years ran up to me and effortlessly addressed me as Mistress Kowalski before getting right to the point of the quest she had for me lit me up so unexpectedly.

It’s stupid. SO STUPID. But the feelings are real and I’m trying to let them in, no matter how silly they may seem.