Two Enbies in Japan

Japan has interesting cultural practices around gender. My non-binary partner and I went in January and it went great!

That Shit Cray
Writing this title made me hum Ni**as in Paris as I typed.
(2011 was a weird time in hip-hop.)

Our Fears Before the Trip

A few days before departure, we did a thing we’ve been doing every now and then since our third date. We talked about our fears. These conversations have been some of our most productive for breaking out of old patterns and insecurities leftover from previous relationships. I hope we keep having them periodically.

SAD

Both of us have been to Japan before, but this was the first time I’d see it in the dead of winter. Would we be able to fully enjoy ourselves and each others’ company? We both get bummed out in cold seasons. Is it a bad idea to travel to an even colder place during that?

An ancient-looking stone carved bath big enough for two people maximum. Steaming hot water pours from the mouth of a dragon it the head of the bath. It's open to a frozen snowy landscape behind it. The tub is surrounded by natural stones and a simple wooden shack with only three walls. — Open hot spring private bath at Ageha Inn. The rocks were coated with ice and we nearly died getting in and out.

Escape is a wonderful thing. Especially escape from the US right now. It reminded me of how much horrible stuff we take for granted here isn’t global. Japan, even considering its problems, is still pretty high on my list of peak civilization. Even if it was still freezing cold, it was so far removed from our normal routines that it never gave the same winter feelings of being stuck in a rut and needing to endure misery until Spring.

Planning

Sihaya found a great flight deal in November and we slammed Buy Tickets with reckless abandon. This was the latest effort in my “live now, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed” philosophy I embraced as fascists mobilized more and more openly since the 2024 election. (I’m slowing down in 2026 with a sustainability theme, but still intend to live in the moment)

Screenshot of a spreadsheet with a complicated itinerary on it, outlining every check in, dining reservation, and transit step along the way. — Believe it or not, these kinds of spreadsheets bring me **comfort**. Others see this and feel only anxiety. 😰

I’m not used to planning a big trip this quickly. In addition, I’m usually I’m the most-planningest person in the equation. For this one, Sihaya an equally enthusiastic planner. This meant we each had our own methods and had to trust the other to do their part. There were moments when we each had to let go of a little control, but we ended up collaborating really well.

Where do I pee?

The perpetual question “Which bathroom can I use as a trans person?” persists here, except with some added risks. Japan has more female-exclusive spaces than we do here. Public baths, train cars, cafes, and more. And though the law currently appears to protect trans women’s right to use these spaces, those interpretations are still in flux and somewhat controversial. It’s not as much of a hot-button issue there as it is here — thank god — but there’s non-zero risk for me.

I’ve never been allowed in public baths in Japan because of my tattoos, so I need to stick to private baths anyway. But if I weren’t already excluded for that, I’d be wary of entering either gender’s side of the baths.

Ranma 1/2 post shows a dozen characters from the show on a decorative yellow background. — Gender non-conforming people have always had issues with water in Japan. 😉

Returning to the US

Though I deleted my social media shortly after the 2024 election, I still harbor some worries that my vocal opposition to… well… most of what the country’s done during my lifetime has made me a target. I suspect my whiteness has protected me so far, but fascists are more brazen now than I’ve previously witnessed.

I’ve seen the kind of violence shocking mainstream society nowadays in person on small scales in my younger years as an activist. It’s horrible — and oddly vindicating of all the alarm bells I’ve rung over the years — that everyone else can’t ignore it anymore.

With all this escalation, it’s even harder to subject myself to the eyes, cameras, and random searches of anyone in uniform. They obviously don’t have to follow any actual laws right now, and no one in power would stand up on my behalf. Even equipped with my registration forms for my new tits.

Photo of my implant ID cards for breast implants. — **Did you know?** People get ID cards for their implants after surgery. I had no idea until they handed it to me.

Will they still like me? Will I still like them?

When I spoke this aloud, it was immediately clear that this fear wasn’t actually based on the trip. It was an insecurity I had about being “too much” or “best in small doses”. Sihaya never makes me feel that way, nor have I ever felt that way about them. It was easy to dismiss this fear once I said it out loud, and the trip only confirmed it to be ridiculous.

Ryokans

Ryokans usually operate pretty strictly within the gender binary. When one arrives, they usually give you different styles of yukata based on gender. When you make a reservation, many require you to enter the genders of the guests and don’t offer more than two options. Before one arrives, it can feel pretty rigid.

But when we arrived at each one, they provided us with choices. They either let us pick which ones we wanted at check-in or provided us with two of each in our rooms when we arrived.

Corry wearing a feminine yukata with a white base and blue and purple flowers. A dark blue obi is tied around her waist as she kneels on a tatami floor in front of a decorative fabric backdrop. — I can only kneel like this for a minute or so before the pain becomes too much. I’d never make it as a proper Japanese lady. 😅

This was excellent. It displays that even within a society that wishes to cling to binary gender structures, they can still be respectful of individual choices. It’s especially excellent when one of us likes to freely move between gender presentations day-to-day.

*swoon* Sihaya looks *so hot* in masc mode, femme mode, and every mode between. 😍

We were never criticized, “corrected”, or even stared at for our choices at any of the ryokans where we stayed.

Othering

I got a few stares throughout the trip, but it felt the same as the stares I got in 2017 and 2019 (pre-transition). The bright purple hair, tattoos, and fashion choices kind of do that regardless of gender presentation.

We theorized that Japanese folks have some combination of:

🤷 Foreigners (gaijin) are all weird.
🤷 White women all seem somewhat tall and angular to them in general.
🤷 Simply not caring about middle aged lesbians wandering around holding hands.

I was never misgendered. No one called me sir or mister. Women ignored or acknowledged me in their spaces like any other foreign woman. I wasn’t even wearing makeup the entire trip. It was beautifully affirming. I came home feeling more confident in my passing than ever.

Corry faces away from the camera, her back visible, looking out at the winter trees in an open private bath. The bath is fully made of cedar wood, giving a reddish hue to the inner walls. — And the private baths were so much nicer than the public ones anyway.

Returning to The U.S.

Obviously, we got back home safely. I had no issues at the border. I breathed such a sigh of relief hopping into our friend’s car when he picked us up from the airport.

It’s good to be home. I missed Bethany and Rogue so much, despite all the adorable videos they sent me during the trip. I reconnected with everyone quickly, before I even unpacked.

A sign near the bus stop at Togattaonsen shows an illustration of two of their local traditional wooden dolls. A sad doll labeled before Togatta and a happy one labeled after Togatta. In front of it, Sihaya poses as the first and Corry mimics the after. — Togattaonsen was our favorite part of the trip, if we had to pick one.

That said, it was hard to return to work and my other routines in The States. Losing the brief feelings of respite hit me harder this time than before. I was lethargic for two weeks, and I doubt jet lag was a realistic sole culprit. Every time we hang out, Sihaya and I wistfully talk about how much we miss Japan.

An end to corporate and corrupt government oppression can’t come soon enough. But because I need to look forward to something I can actually feel realistic about… 🌸Spring will have to do.