Unexpected Changes and Charges (March 2026 Journal)

I need to vent a little. 2026 has been rough. Thank goodness it’s almost over… oh… no.

Taxes

When I did my taxes this year I owed about $3,000 more than I expected to. I withdrew funds from my retirement savings last year and used a tax calculator to withhold what I expected to be charged. Apparently the calculator rounded down by quite a bit.

If I knew it’d be this much more I’d have adjusted my withdrawal to cover it. Or I’d have planned for this expense in the new year. But instead I now start the year with a lot less than I expected. It’s very frustrating.

Already-Booked Flights

We booked our flights for our honeymoon in June back in November. After a ton of research, we meticulously planned our routes and waited for the perfect time to save the most money getting there and back. I took great comfort in knowing it was already paid for. Now all I had to do was wait, pack, drop off the dogs at their sitters’ house, and go.

On Saturday at 1am I received an email from Iberia Airlines. Our flight home had been canceled, and they had no alternative flight to return the same day available. My only option was to request a refund and book a new flight. So I did, and I booked a new flight that was compatible with the first leg of our return trip from Porto to Barcelona. It was about $200 more per ticket. And there was nothing I could do but pay.

I seethed with fury at doing everything properly
only to get fucked over by a huge corporation
once again.

Then I received the confirmation email for my refund.

Iberia refunded my entire itinerary, not just the one canceled flight. So now I also had to re-book our flight from Porto to Barcelona. There were no compatible flights to do so at the time we needed to meet our new connecting flight back home.

So I had to cancel my newly purchased ticket from Barcelona to San Francisco and Re-book the entire trip home from Porto.

4 months later, a new flight cost us $400 more for each ticket. For near-identical flights connecting in Zurich instead of Barcelona.

My chest hasn’t stopped burning with resentment since Saturday.

My Television

Minutes after dealing with the airlines, I sat on my couch to eat breakfast, sip my coffee, and take my supplements and meds. I look up to see this.

And my heart sank.

She was a good TV.

Now, to be fair, this 55″ TV reached 20 years old this year. I bought her with my first paycheck from my first “real” salaried job. She was one of the first affordable LED televisions in her size. She rested on a hand-me-down IKEA dresser next to the inflatable mattress I was sleeping on in the tiny room I was renting at the time.

She’s traveled across the country with me from Tucson to Phoenix, packed into a U-Haul for a day expecting to move to Irvine, Phoenix to Las Vegas, Las Vegas to Maryland, and here to the San Francisco Bay Area with several in-region moves between at each stop.

She’s more than fulfilled her role in my life. She was an excellent TV.

This was just a bad time for her to pass away.

Unexpected Emotions

This tilted me over the edge. There’s something so emotionally difficult about having a comforting routine disrupted. It’s really hard to explain to allistic folks, but when it overwhelms me it feels similar to a panic attack.

And it’s obviously not the end of the world. I can go to the store and get a new, much nicer TV for about the same price I got this one. But the emotional breakdown of this one last straw landing on top of my pile that day paralyzed me.

When I texted the group chat, Bethany reminded me I was supposed to go read by the pool today and gently verbally pushed me out the door to get to it.

I Needed It

Sunlight, music, water, my favorite bikini, nothing costing me a dime I hadn’t already spent.

The book is heart-wrenching in great ways, but catharsis didn’t follow my tears this time. I’m still glad I did it, and I love the book, but I went back inside still feeling emotionally worn-out.

I walked back to my place and tapped the music button on my TV remote… oh… right.

I ordered a new TV I could pick up the next day. Same size, same price, but with 4K and a bunch of other features I’ll likely never use. -$980

Respite

Soon Sihaya came over and we had a nice time hanging out on the couch chatting and listening to music from my nearby computer speakers. After a while we started getting ready for a vampire themed party our gracious friend invited us to.

The party was excellent and it allowed me to escape from my troubles for a few hours. While my cup felt full again, my emotional affect felt a little flat inside. This was the best I could do feelings-wise that night, and it was good enough.

The next morning Bethany and I picked up the new TV and stashed it in my apartment while we went off to do my hair. This was very nice, but some emotional conversations took a heavy toll on both of us. These talks eventually make us closer and stronger, but it’s hard stuff to process in the middle of it.

Presence

Sunday night, I had the honor of witnessing one of my best friends experience a wonderful and intense moment of gender euphoria. I got to be part of it and I know better than most how big a deal it is. And even though my heart fluttered and eyes watered, it still felt a bit muted with everything else going on. I felt guilty for not being more visibly excited for her.

Am I too self-centered on my own problems to be fully present with my loved ones?
Do I even deserve be here right now?

My Critical Inner Voice

But there’s no way she even noticed whatever my face looked like while having her experience. She knows I’m so intensely happy for her. I’ll try not to be too hard on myself. The only thing I could’ve done about it at the time would’ve been masking, and no one who loves me wants me to do that.

Another Email From Iberia Airlines

(Let’s rewind just a little bit.)

While I happily sat in Bethany’s salon chair on Sunday afternoon, I received another email. I’d just finished venting about the previous bullshit when the unwelcome notification arrived. I didn’t even want to read it yet. I was still emotionally wrecked from everything else. And even though I refused to fully read it, the pending task weighed on me.

This morning (Monday), I finally looked at the email. This time the canceled flight at least offered an alternative one. But the alternative had one stop instead of being nonstop, and was… a full day earlier. sigh

This time, instead of following the steps they gave me online, I called the customer service line. I waited on hold several times throughout the process until I finally got them to rebook me on a flight that’d get us there at the same landing time without charging us extra. We now have a transfer at LAX we didn’t need to deal with before and 3 extra hours in transit, but at least it didn’t cost any extra or ruin our arrival.

Then I had to call the other airlines they rebooked me through to give them all our passport and TSA info and make sure we’re still sitting together on both flights.

Hours of effort to get a worse result than what we’d already set up and paid for. Heaven help me if they email me again before June.

Blood and Oil, Yet Again

And, if anyone doubted for a moment my position against every war we’ve waged in my lifetime,

Fuck this genocidal
white supremacist
christofascist
fossil fuel and defense spending money grab
of a fucking war.

I know why airlines are canceling these flights and prices are spiking. Wars always affect us. They’d be absolutely evil even if they didn’t. Usually the oligarchy doesn’t try to ruin my life from every possible angle at the same time. I miss when they’d mix it up and take breaks on occasion.

Crashing Out

I know most of us stress about money. It didn’t begin with the latest round of horrible world events, but it just keeps getting worse. I was doing okay financially until these unexpected expenses came up.

Honestly I’m blessed to even be able to plan a honeymoon at all. It isn’t frivolous to me or Bethany. We need it. We didn’t overindulge in lavish expenses. We worked within our budget carefully. I refuse to cancel it. I’ve already canceled so many things this year, but not this.

I know no one needs a TV to survive. It’s just such a centerpiece to my home. Where I host movie nights with friends. Where I cuddle with my partners watching our shows. How I pass the time folding laundry or coping with existential dread. My strange emotional response to not having it for a little over 24 hours made me feel weak and spoiled, like a child having a tantrum.

Cognitive Differences

Times like these stomp my impostor syndrome about AuDHD into the dust. It’ll be back, but not for a while. I’m definitely experiencing the symptoms of burnout. More on a financial and emotional level than the way I last felt it from over-working. These conditions definitely don’t feel like “superpowers” lately.

It compounds with my pile of disabilities and likely Long COVID symptoms the American healthcare system will likely never acknowledge.

Things just keep piling up, and I get overwhelmed. And I have to constantly remind myself…

I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do.

• Taking care of my body
  • Eating healthy
  • Staying Hydrated
  • Hygeine
  • Exercise
  • Sunlight
  • Not going too hard on substances
• Taking care of my mind
  • Taking my meds
  • Going to regular therapy
  • Reaching out to my community
  • Not hiding my feelings or situation
  • Asking for support
  • Taking much-needed breaks and vacations to recover
  • Venting (thanks for reading!)
• Being Frugal
  • Maintaining a budget I update quarterly
  • Reducing expenses (without being miserable)
  • Accepting help from others
  • Working hard
  • Asking for raises
  • Looking for better paying jobs
  • Using my benefits whenever possible

Work

I received a merit raise and new title (not really a promotion, but kind-of) a couple months ago, which was great. It resolved some job security anxiety I’d been feeling for a few months. The raise was in line with inflation though. I’m not ungrateful, but it still feels like a drop in a rapidly leaking bucket right now.

I’ve continued to apply for other roles, but the job market is a cesspool. Skills that got me solid, permanent jobs with great benefits and six-figure salaries only a few years ago are now 3-6 month contract gigs with little-to-no benefits and paying $50 hourly if I’m lucky.

Recruiters

Recruiter emails often come with vague AI-written job descriptions without pay rates, benefits, or even whether it’s on-site or remote. It’s obvious they know how desperate job seekers are right now. When I reply asking about those things, they either ignore me or insist upon getting my resume and authorization to submit me before they even tell me the info — which ends the conversation for me.

I’m far from the only person whose career’s been impacted by the bullshit AI bubble. But it’s an extra fucking slap in the face when these companies also constantly ask me to use my overpriced degree and decades of experience to make the shit function at all. While funneling millions into Anthropic’s pockets so they can gut my earnings.

I’ve even tried to work with recruiters for jobs where the hiring manager is a friend of mine, and despite jumping through all the hoops, my friend never received my application. The recruiters somehow dropped the ball or weeded me out on their own despite what should be a pretty important referral.

Sure, perhaps my friends were lying about wanting me to apply. Maybe they rejected me in this cowardly way. It’d be very out of character for both people it’s happened with. I don’t even want to entertain the possibility I’m being gaslit that hard by trusted former colleagues because of the toll it’d take on my mental health. I’d never be able to prove it either way anyway.

How naive I was to think I was worthy of a middle class lifestyle

My Critical Inner Voice

Cue the clip of Joe Biden telling coal miners to learn how to code in 2019!

So I’m staying.

I do love my law firm. I truly love our mission. I’m proud of the work we do here in ways I’ve never been for other jobs.

The benefits are excellent, the people are great. I just can’t survive on the pay rate without substantial financial support from family and friends.

I haven’t contributed to my retirement savings since I was laid off in 2023. As I mentioned in another recent post, I don’t feel like I can safely plan for the future beyond maybe one or two years. The world is in chaos. The stock market is an even more openly corrupt casino than ever before (and that’s saying something).

So I try to live in the present.

And the present is wonderful.

Outside of a few bad days where unexpected shit like this occurs, my simple life is going really well. I know my queer, disabled, mentally ill universe probably seems so complicated and strange to most people. But it isn’t when you’re me. It’s just home.

I have a beautiful found family. We cook meals, go thrift shopping, share groceries and supplies, watch each others’ pets, show up to scary doctor visits for each other, and help us recover from surgeries and illnesses. It’s probably not much different in practice than a healthy nuclear family, except we don’t all live together.

I’ve learned to appreciate and enjoy my humbler lifestyle since I scaled my spending way back. I love shopping local, swapping and thrifting clothing, cooking at home more, and ignoring all the hyped-up games and other products I used to jump at pre-order deals for. Not keeping up with the social media rat race anymore. Doing free stuff in local parks and city sponsored events. Volunteering. All this stuff feels so good and — in a perverse way — I have my layoff to thank for it.

One Day at a Time

I’m trying not to think about the enormous encroaching shadows creeping up around me. I’m not hiding from my financial statements or pretending the credit card interest fees (I was successfully avoiding them until this tax bill showed up!) don’t exist. I just have to find ways to not hold the anxiety when there’s nothing more I can feasibly do about it.

Sihaya got me a tarot reading at the vampire party. I wish I took a photo of the layout and beautiful cards. A lovely woman from New Orleans did them on a donation basis. Within the first few cards flipping, she said something like:

You lost a battle a while back, and sometimes it feels like you keep losing. But you’re going to recover and win the war. Keep up what you’re doing and you’ll get there.

And I burst out crying. Luckily I didn’t ruin my eye makeup, but I felt like I exploded just hearing it.

I don’t believe in tarot readings beyond what they tell us about ourselves and what’s already on our minds, but this one felt so real. And I hope it’s right.

---

Update: March 31, 2026 (Yup, already!)

I received a text message from my bank this morning about a fraudulent charge and confirmed it was such. Now I’m going through the last month of charges on my credit card and reporting all the fraudulent ones. Yay! I definitely needed another tedious, stressful, thing to do with finances today! 😫

There are themes present in my therapy sessions that are getting hammered by these issues lately.

• The world is out to get us (rip us off, neglect and abandon us, etc.)
• Emotional labor and intelligence have always been societally undervalued (“women’s work”)
  • And even though I’ve only been living as a woman for a few years, I’ve been one the whole time and those things have always affected me.
• I feel like 80% of my waking hours have belonged to corporations and/or fascists in some way