Pre-HRT Jealous Misogyny

Anyone who read my blog in the 2000’s knows about my misogynistic phase in my early twenties. I was an emotional kid whose ex-girlfriend traumatized them and I leaned into that proto-manosphere stuff pretty hard as a sort-of revenge.

But there was more to it than that.

Is it easier to be a woman?

Fuck no. Demonstrably no, for thousands of years. I’m not even going to cite sources for such an obvious answer.

But this was what I thought when I was a kid. I looked at how my female cousins, friends, and classmates were treated and longed for it. They were never told to “man up” or called pussies for showing their emotions. When they scraped their knees on the playground adults showed them more care and concern. They got to wear more comfortable clothing. When their peers bullied them, they — usually — didn’t get beaten and bloodied like me. And the principal didn’t suspend them for fighting back.

Girls were told they could be a housewife instead of an employee when they grow up. Simultaneously, they could be employed too if they liked that path better. I was never told I could be a stay-at-home husband. I was told if I didn’t make enough money, I’d die alone. And I heard those messages before I even entered grade school.

And I thought every misogynistic boy felt this way.

I thought every boy was as jealous as I was. That being a girl is objectively so much better, and being trapped in the worse side of the coin toss drives resentment about our lot in life. Turns out, most boys don’t think this way.

I know! It shocked me too!

I hold misogynistic cis men to even more scrutiny now than I did before I understood this.

What else could explain misogyny?

It’s hard for me to imagine being misogynistic beyond temporary petty reactions to personal experiences like mine. Broad generalizations about “all women” being like the one who hurt me shouldn’t carry weight for more than a few weeks, if ever. It clung to me for a few years, sadly, and my sense of humor held traces of misogyny for a while after.

The only thing left seems like a feeling of entitlement for control over women. Which I can’t fathom any better than I can fathom the motivations of Hannibal Lecter.

Even before I began seeing myself as a woman, this realization shattered many of my male friendships. If their bullshit wasn’t rooted in understandable jealousy, it meant it was rooted in rape culture. And that felt unsafe for me, even pre-transition.

Is it easier to be cis?

Absolutely.

This is part of what motivates unsupportive parents to push back when their kid comes out. They don’t want us to have a harder life. They don’t understand that closeted queers are already living the hardest version of that life.

Is it easier for me to be cis?

Absolutely not.

My life is so much better as a trans woman than it ever felt before. Transitioning validated my youthful envy.

My resentment remains too, but it’s not misdirected toward cis women anymore. My resentment is reserved exclusively for everyone who told me I could never be who I am today. And the ones presently telling young people these lies.

With that in mind, I want to talk about…

The Incel-to-Trans Pipeline

There’s a common idea I see in the private anonymous support channels I frequently give advice in. The idea that many AMAB people in incel communities are eggs.

Incel Entitlement

The terrifying part of incel culture is their feelings of entitlement to a girlfriend, wife, or sex slave. I never felt this entitlement. Rather, my insecurity led me to feel like women who were physically intimate with me were tolerating me or being charitable. When I didn’t like how I felt in my body, I felt unattractive even when I wasn’t in hindsight.

I suspect some of this entitlement comes from the curse of testosterone amping up their pre-HRT sex drives to feel like they’re in mortal danger if they can’t achieve sexual release. When someone feels a hunger they believe they’ll never be able to satisfy, the idea of forcing someone to do that for you is probably tempting. This turns into rape culture, enforced patriarchy, and The Handsmaid’s Tale type horrors.

And even though it’s absolutely despicable, I sometimes wonder if I was only narrowly spared feeling similarly.

Fortunate

I was never unfortunate enough to be involuntarily celibate. (#humbleBrag)

Before losing my virginity, I only wanted to for maybe a year or two. When I’ve wanted dates or a relationship, I’ve never had to struggle much to find one. It’s hard to recognize these privileges while I’m feeling lonely. During those moments, it can feel like forever. In hindsight it’s clearly not.

But a lot of what these terminally online incel gamer kids say about their own insecurities isn’t far off from what I felt at their age. I’m sure they’re not all trans lesbians like me. I have to catch myself before I project that on them too much. But it’s at least an interesting overlap.

I grew up with feminist parents and extended family. My mom taught sex ed. I learned about bodily autonomy early. I was one of the few students who received the earliest version of consent education in the 90’s.

These sorts of influences may help some of these eggs hatch safely. Ideally, they also leave the toxic echo chambers that amplify their most painful insecurities. But they have to want it, so I try to help them see the possibilities.

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