My 2008 Car Accident and 18 Years of Chronic Pain

The Email

This email was addressed to my lawyer and his litigation assistant.

Hey Bernie & Susan,

I wrote a letter describing the accident’s effect on my life in hindsight and at the bottom, outlined the expenses I have had to pay since.  I am aware that an insurance company may not care or “cover” some of them, but I’d like them to be kept in mind when they make their settlement offers and before we negotiate with them.  I’m sure from their point of view, this accident wasn’t that expensive, but I was just starting off as a college graduate with a steady job when this all happened, so I had little savings to rely on when I lost everything.  I am the only one in my family who lives out here as well, so I am getting to be almost homeless.  It obviously doesn’t help that our economy is not very Poverty-Level-Centric either.

Let me know if you can suggest any corrections or re-wording that might help my message get through.  I can fax or drop off receipts for my window replacement, my Ice Pack, My Bank Statements, etc. when they are needed.

Thanks guys,

 – Corry

The Affidavit

The second is the attached affidavit document addressed to whoever likely made sure I got as little as possible.

To Whom it May Concern:

Since my accident on April 18th 2008, my life has changed immensely.  Without the accident, my life would still be the way it was beforehand.  I would be okay.

My car was in perfect condition before that day.  it had never seen an accident or any major repairs beyond regular maintenance.  I had to drive around with a smashed-in door for 2 months before it got repaired.  As great of a job as the shop did on it, that accident will be on my car’s CarFax report for when I decide to resell it.  Today, I need to perform regular maintenance on my vehicle but cannot afford it.  That is merely the material side of the situation.

My neck and spine were injured in the accident.  Because I was able to go to a doctor to resolve the pain and other side effects of the injury, I was able to minimize the permanent damage and scar tissue in my neck muscles and spine.  Dr. Six did a tremendous job to get me where I am today, but I still have painful scar tissue around my neck that prevents me from ever playing football again as I used to before the accident.  Sitting for extended periods of time causes my back to ache.  These problems have every indication of being permanent.  During my time in recovery and rehabilitation, I experienced extreme constant pain that cost me sleep, mental accuity, sexual potency, and nearly my relationship with my girlfriend. Luckily for me, she has remained and supported me through these hard times.

While I was unable to work my normal hours, play the sports I played beforehand, or even take my dog to the dog park, I suffered from severe depression and gained about 20 pounds.  Today I am working on losing the extra weight, but it is proving difficult because A) I cannot continue my Hapkido training or my Football practices, B) I can no longer afford a gym membership or gas to go exercise, and C) Food Stamps don’t pay enough for healthy quality food for an entire month.

Scraping by financially since my termination due to my injury has maxed out my few credit cards.  It has provided me with finance charges, account cancellations, and threats of having my electricity shut off.  My bank account had to be closed because I could not get it into the positive without my job.  My credit rating has slumped from about a 600 to what is currently a 483.

I have been spending every day since losing my job searching for work, sending resumes, and updating my website.  I have interviewed for several positions, and spent countless hours and dollars travelling around for them.  I have a Bachelor’s Degree and I am a fully capable and professional worker in my field, yet I may have to leave the state to find work.

I started with a job I loved, little debt, a car i loved, and in decent shape.  Today, I am on my last weeks of unemployment, I only get to eat real food while my Food Stamps haven’t run out each month, I have about $1500 more debt than before (not including money borrowed from friends and family), and I am out of shape.  One might suspect that my depression would fade when the pain did, but my pain isn’t over.

Thank you for your time reading about what I have gone through.

 — Corry Frydlewicz

Direct Expenses of Accident

• Body Shop Car Repairs (done)
• Rental Car (done)
• Driver’s Side Window Replacement $179.00

Injury Related Expenses

• Doctor’s Bills (My Lawyer has)
• Ice Pack $21.60
• Hapkido Class Payment that could not be Used $450.00
• Missed the 2008 AZFL Football Season (Priceless)

Legal Costs

• Scottsdale City Court $240.80

Lost Income

• Work Missed Due to Injury $896.00
• Work Missed Due to Doctor Appointments $256.00
• Wages Missed Post-Termination (12 Weeks) $7,680.00

Money Lost Due to Fees, Interest, and Other Costs: (Estimated) $500.00

The specific numbers are all calculated with support from documents held by my Lawyer and/or I.  Estimations are meant just to portray the cost that this accident has imposed upon me.

Corry, August 4, 2008

Looking back, it seems I naively thought I might play to the soulless bean counters’ humanity.

My Car

I loved my 2005 Honda Accord Coup. It was minimalist, pretty, had great gas mileage, and was easy to park anywhere. I got it used for a surprisingly good deal less than a year before the accident. Despite the damage, it lasted until Kati and I finally traded it (in full working condition) for our shared Lexus Hybrid in 2014.

My body wasn’t so lucky. And I sadly can’t trade it in for a new one.

The First 3 Months

Physical therapy helped a lot. Luckily, my lawyer let me do it on credit from my eventual settlement because I didn’t have health insurance. After the first month, I worked my way up to sitting in a desk chair for a whole hour before the pain became unbearable. I had to learn protocols for working without building up too much pain.

• Stay aggressively hydrated
• Stretch every 15 minutes
• Stand up and walk around every 45–60 minutes
• Use chairs with headrests
• Lay down for a few minutes during lunch breaks
• Take every opportunity to relieve the pressure on my neck

I still follow most of these today.

Pain Journal

This is verbatim from 2008 — including misspellings and one lie I marked with an asterisk*. I formatted it for readability, but didn’t change anything except line breaks and bolds/italics.

Friday, April 18th, 2008 at 7:35 PM

This is a journal of my pain since my accident today. This blog is only meant to serve as a reference point in case I need to remember how it progressed over time.

When I first noticed the pain, it was about 60 minutes after the accident happened. The pain started in the base of my skull, at the very top of my neck. It was a dull, pulsing pain that would get worse when I moved my neck. After about 30 minutes, the pain began spreading slowly down to the first bump on the back of my neck (about 3 inches below the skull).

My shoulders and elbows have been in pain for the same time period. I’ve been having semi-severe (7 out of 10 on the scale) in my elbows on occasion. These pains last about 3–5 minutes and alternate between my left and right side at random.

I experienced no direct trauma to my arms in the accident that I am aware of. If I had, it would only be on my left side.

Since the accident, my mind has felt slower and my attention span seems shallower. I can still actively solve problems, do my job, and type readably (obviously), but I have a hard time doing any of those things quickly. Oddly enough my handwriting has improved. Possibly because of the slowdown. I’m having a hard time multi-tasking.

The pain started moving up my skull into the back of my head, then spread behind my ears where it is right now. I would call this about a 3/10 but its been there for about 20 minutes now and counting.

I get short (about 30 second) bouts of nausea every 30 minutes or so.

Simple mathematics are hard. I have always been extremely fast at arithmetic.

Most of these things could be because of shock. I certainly hope so, because being this slow will frustrate me, especially at work. I will try to post when my pain changes.

Here is my current pain scale:

• Head (behind ears): 3
• Head (rear area at base of skull): 1
• Neck (near base of skull): 2 (6 during movement) (8 when poked)
• Neck (at shoulder line): 4
• Left Shoulder (joint): 0 (3 during movement)
• Right Shoulder (joint): 0 (2 during movement)
• Left Elbow: 1 (7 occasionally) (3 during movement)
• Right Elbow: 0 (7 occasionally) (1 during movement)
• Upper Back (~1 foot from skull) 2
• Lower Back (~2 feet from skull) 0 (1 during movement)
• Pelvic Back Area: 0 (0 during movement)
• Below Pelvis: 0
• Stomach (internal) 1 (5 occasionally)

Saturday, April 19, 2008 at 10:39 AM

Last night after a while of experiencing those same pains consistently, I started to feel nauseated. I think it was just because of the pain, not related directly to whatever the cause is. I’m not a Dr. of course.

I woke up this morning with dull pain all over. I’d call it a 2

Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 10:43 AM

Yesterday my pain stayed about the same most of the day. It got worse when I drove to a friend’s house to play Rock Band.

My mind is slow and sometimes foggy. It’s irritating. I was missing alot of notes and beats that I normally wouldn’t. I was losing track of conversations I was having mid-way through them. It was extremely helpful to hang out with friends to take my mind off of the pain, but it also made it even more frightening that this might not be going away.

This morning I’m feeling worse pain, but my mind is not as bad as yesterday night yet. I think that part progresses throughout my day.

The pain in my neck, upper back, shoulders, and especially my middle back area are worse today. I can feel myself tightening up just using my keyboard right now. It was worse when I first woke up. I sat up and immediately needed to lay back down because of the pain. After about 20 minutes or so I sat up again slowly and it still hurt, but not as bad.

I had to cancel going to the charity pizza eating contest at my favorite cafe because of the pain. I’m really bummed about it since I was looking forward to it for months.

And looking at my car all smashed in just makes me sad. This car was still new to me. When the glass guy opened my door panel, all the glue and plastic clips and everything were still factory sealed. He did an excellent job, but now my car’s got these quirks in it. It never had quirks before and now that door has issues with the handle, the lock makes a loud thunk sound when it moves, and it opens sluggishly. It probably sounds really stupid but I love my car and I get the feeling she’ll never be the same now.

Monday, April 21, 2008 at 12:08 PM

I just got back from the doctor and I feel even worse. She was very nice and knowledgeable, but she had to poke and bend me all over and now I’m really sore. She iced my back and neck and put these electrical pads on me. The ice helped a little but the electric things were just kind of weird. I didn’t really hear what was wrong with me, but I don’t know if I want to know. Maybe it’ll be better if I just keep track of what hurts.

So my headaches are pretty much constant now. They just move around to different areas of my skull. The top of my neck is still ground zero.

I think my high threshold for pain might be coloring my results. A 7 to me might be a 10 to most people. The doctor seemed to see right through to the actual injury though. I think she understands my point of view.

Anyway onto the technical mumbojumbo.

Right now the back of my neck has been a consistent 6 since I left the condo today. My head has been pounding at about a 5 or 6 since the doctor’s visit. The back of my left arm (tricep) is aching at about a 6 right now. My middle back and up to my neck are between 4 and 6 all the way up. My left knee is at about a 1 now. So far its been hard to concentrate and remember things, even recent things.

While I was driving, a porsche turned left and came up along side me. When he revved his engine I had a panic attack and had to pull into the next parking lot. The asshole got closer than I wanted him to and made a loud noise. I drive very slowly and paranoid-ly now. Which sucks because I’m pretty defensive normally (stay back pretty far and drive the speed limit) and I hate those slow people.

I have trouble twisting my neck to check for traffic in my blind spots. I think driving is the worst. I get the worst pains, the worst headaches, and I’m tense and anxious the entire trip. Even as a passenger.

Working would probably be second worst just because of my lack of focus. I’ll move my mouse and forget what I was clicking on. “What was I doing again?” runs through my head often. I hate that. That’s why I never do drugs.*

The third worst thing would just be my overall frustration with everything. I missed a softball tournament on Saturday. I won’t be able to go to my Hapkido or Thai Boxing classes. I can’t even exercise on my heavy bag at home. I canceled taking my dog to the dog park and I can tell she’s bummed about it. I’ve lost my appetite and have to force myself to eat. When I do, I get diarrhea and stomach aches.

I basically spent the whole weekend in my room, except for Saturday night when I drank heavily and played video games. I’m worried that I might turn to alcohol for pain relief, so I’m not going to drink again for awhile. Having friends around to talk to is good for distracting me from the pain.

I feel like I’m either going to get fat from lack of exercise or waste away because of my lack of appetite. Either way I hate the idea. It sounds stupid, but I like being a big, muscular, manly guy. I love eating, working out, fighting, drinking beer, and playing with my dog.

I just wish I could focus so I could work. Then I’d be able to deal I think. Maybe not.

*In reality, I was trying lots of drugs once or twice. Nothing merited a habit. Nothing sustainably eased the pain.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 10:34 AM

Got my first adjustment this morning. I learned that I apparently have some permanent damage in my spine. Fun.

I now have to move my neck a lot more so my vertebrae don’t wear down even worse. Doing this is really painful. Apparently, if I don’t use it I lose it, referring to my range of motion. I feel about the same as yesterday, except my mid-back area is a little worse. My headache is currently behind my ears and in the back of my skull. Otherwise no real changes.

Current Total expenses:

• Driver Side Window Replacement $180
• Cold Pack for Physical Therapy $20
• Work Hours Missed: 4.5
• Gym Membership Wasted: 1 week
• Total miles driven (that would not be without the accident): 6

I’m trying to keep track of this stuff, or else I might forget.

I canceled a date this weekend, and I’m pretty sure I won’t get a chance to hang out with her anytime soon, so she’ll probably forget about me. I haven’t been able to exercise. I’m falling behind in my Hapkido class. My dog is sad. It hurts to sing with my usual passion. It hurts constantly. This really sucks.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 11:18 AM

Today, I woke up and didn’t want to move.

My alarm kept beeping, so I made myself stand up and walk over to turn it off. My middle back was pounding at about an 8 and simple trunk rotations and standing up from sitting position was killing me. I had a doctor’s appointment at 9, so I set my alarm as late as I could without skipping my shower and laid back down. 30 minutes later it’s not much better when the beep begins again.

Showering with scalding hot water helps a little bit, but I still dread every move I make. During my appointment, I’m seriously considering calling out of work because I dread sitting in that chair for hours. Dr. Six does my physical therapy and my neck didn’t hurt as bad this time. Whenever she touched or adjusted my back it destroyed me. It was either a 9 or 10. I don’t even want to rate it, I just wanted it to stop.

John (my boss) calls me while I’m on the table with the ice packs on my back. I call him back afterwards and he needs me in the office to finish out some projects and email my clients a few things. I guess I need to go in.

I’m not sure if the rest of me is better or not, because I can’t concentrate on anything other than this pain in my back. I’m still stiff as hell and it does still hurt when I touch my neck or move it more than a small amount, so I assume its the same as usual. I think it’s just pain transference or whatever they call it when one body part hurts so bad you don’t notice the other pains elsewhere.

I think I may just do my time sensitive projects while I’m here at work then leave. My icepack is room temperature now and its not getting better.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 10:59 AM

Today I woke up much better than yesterday. My back wasn’t bad at all and all my pain was in my upper back and neck at about a 5. I’m beginning to fear my alarm clock (more-so than usual) just because of my Random Pains of the Day…

So I was pretty good for awhile. Until I got out of the shower and started walking around. Getting dressed, leaning down to pet my dog, and going down stairs all had an effect on me. Before today, my Lower Back has had little to no pain, but today it started around a 2 and at this moment it has progressed to about a 6. It and my neck are fighting over which hurts more. My middle back that hurt so badly yesterday is either fine, or just lost the spotlight due to the competition.

This worries me a little since it didn’t hurt there before today. I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see her.

Just as a side note, I always felt I was acting differently and not being myself since the accident, but I did my best to try. I can’t be all physical and slapstick as I used to be yet, but I try to be energetic and fun when I see my friends. I thought I hid my pain well.

Everyone tells me I look tired. I’ve been sleeping my normal 7–8 hours, but I still have no energy. Looking tired is not a compliment, by the way. I can feel myself getting more depressed each day despite my best efforts to stay positive.

“You just haven’t been the same since the accident, man” says one of my good friends at work. Completely out of the blue. I didn’t even say anything.

…damnit.

Friday, April 25, 2008 at 6:00 PM

Today sucked. I had to drive around before I got to work to get my estimate and get some other accident related stuff done. As soon as I arrive at work, my boss takes me on an amusement ride from hell when he drives me with him to a client meeting. He was going about 80mph and driving less than 10 feet behind other people. He would slam the brakes whenever he had to stop. I was already in pain and nauseous before I got in the truck, but I could barely walk when I got out. I swallowed my vomit at least twice.

At the meeting, I was a million miles away. This is starting to really effect my work. The client would ask me questions and I would know the answers but just not be able to “do it”. It felt like I was mildly drunk. I really wanted to go straight home from work because the pain and nausea are still here, but I need my paycheck and can’t get it until closing time.

I’m hoping things get better this weekend.

My pain today was the same areas as it was yesterday only worse.

Saturday, April 26, 2008 at 12:21 PM

I didn’t get much better last night. I was still nauseous and in pain until I started drinking. I’m really scared of becoming an alcoholic at this point. It’s eerie how well it helps my pain. I woke up this morning feeling about the same as yesterday, except not so much nausea yet, but that usually doesn’t start until later in the day once the pain has time to build up.

Monday, April 28, 2008 at 9:47 AM

All the pain in my body is centralized on my neck today. I’m not sure how long I can work today, but this chair is already killing me.

My lower back is still bothering me, but I can’t really feel much of anything but my neck right now.

This weekend went by pretty pain-free since I drank most of it. I’m starting to fear alcoholism less than pain.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 at 11:14 PM

The past couple days have been hellish. I have had to leave work early so I could go home and lay down to ease the pain. Today, I developed a splitting headache between the back pain and the stress at work. I would write these more often but I really hate sitting at a computer any longer than I have to for work.

I’m getting depressed. I feel like I’m gaining weight since I can’t go to softball, or to my hapkido classes, or even running around with my dog. My sex drive is extremely low and I’m always tired. How much longer will I have to put up with this!?

Friday, May 02, 2008 at 11:08 AM

Today I woke up feeling pretty OK. Now, the dull pain is starting to wear on me sitting at my desk at work, but it’s still not as bad as the other days. Yesterday I made it through the day at work despite it being pretty bad. I’m trying to tough it out so I can pay my bills.

Overall, I think I’m improving, but the constant pain erodes my willpower over time and makes even the best days kinda crappy.

Monday, May 05, 2008 at 12:42 PM

This weekend went by pretty well. I didn’t do anything really except sit at home, watching movies and playing video games. Luckily my back pain didn’t get in the way in those activities.

Today, driving and then being at work was a bit more trying, but still not too bad. Everyday I miss playing sports and working out more and I get more depressed every time I see myself in the mirror. I’m not sure if I’ve gained weight or lost muscle but I just don’t look myself.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 at 1:44 PM

Today I started doing physical therapy exercises. I did two pretty simple and easy exercises. One of them was sort of a crunch motion with resistance and a big blue ball. I didn’t really have any problem doing it, which made me feel good that the BS I say about there being strong ab muscles under my beer belly is actually not BS. Nice to know they’re still there. The exercises weren’t painful themselves, but after about 10 minutes or so my back was quite sore. It still is now in my work chair. Hopefully the exercises will help.

I finally told my doctor about my depression and how it has affected my work and social life. She said she would consider sending me to a therapist. As long as they don’t ask me to take any anti-depressants I’m okay with that. My self image has suffered as I’ve mentioned here since I can’t play sports or go to my gym.

I heard from my co-workers the other day that my boss was seeing me as a “smart-ass that was no longer a valued employee” and I couldn’t think of why until I realized how I must look to other people when I sit there quietly and in pain. Especially in contrast to the Corry that everyone knows: energetic, positive, and funny. At least those are my good qualities. 😛

Anyway, between my appearance and my change of attitude it would probably be enough to make a boss suspicious, but I also couldn’t keep track of conversations because of my mind being all foggy as I’ve mentioned here before. He would try to explain a design I was supposed to work on and for some reason I just couldn’t grasp it. Part of me thinks it was how he was wording it, but I’m pretty sure I could have understood what he was saying if I didn’t have my pain as a distraction and my messed up brain.

I met with him later just the two of us and got things sorted out, but I had to concentrate all of my brainpower on the conversation and take notes so I could remember what was said and keep track of the conversation. It was like being handicapped… I guess it was being handicapped technically. Anyway, with this effort I think I managed to save my job.

My pain has been getting less frequent. Instead of being 5–7 days a week it’s down to 4–5 days a week that I can say it really affects my normal activities like driving, working, eating, etc. I still rarely get a decent night’s sleep except on weekends when I can lay in bed for way too long. And even then, I usually prefer not to waste the whole morning in bed and just tough it out. No human being should need 10 hours of sleep to feel rested.

Thursday, May 08, 2008 at 12:20 PM

A discussion I had with my room mate the other day helped me realize how I should talk about some of the stuff I’ve been going through. I sometimes forget that others don’t understand exactly what’s been happening within me. I’m not sure if that’s because of my mind being messed up or if it’s just the fact that I experience it 24/7 and it seems redundant to me.

I’m getting more depressed, the longer this goes on. Every week that goes by is another activity that I miss. I haven’t been on a single date since the accident, I haven’t gone out anywhere near as often as before. I’m short on money too. There’s very little I can do to make myself feel better.

Here’s the conversation, just for reference:

Chat Log with Kati

For context: We were broken up at the time but still living together and hooking up. We had those phases a few times.

[15:47] Corry: been thinking
[15:48] Corry: I’m in pretty much the worst position possible to be single right now
[15:48] Corry: and I think that’s why I haven’t tried lately
[15:51] Rose: because of me
[15:51] Corry: no
[15:51] Corry: because of my injury
[15:51] Corry: I can barely hold a conversation with people I already know
[15:52] Corry: I don’t think I could ever meet a new person and remember what their name was
or what they tell me
[15:52] Corry: or really even be able to hold a meaningful conversation
[15:52] Corry: Plus, I don’t have the energy
[15:53] Corry: On top of that, getting less hours at work has made me relatively broke
[15:53] Corry: so I can’t really afford to go on a date even if we did split it
[15:53] Corry: add to that how I want to buy my PA system for the band
[15:53] Corry: and my Car Insurance and Registration fees
[15:54] Corry: plus rising gas prices, the fact I can’t drive for long without pain
[15:54] Rose: …k. you didnt really go out that much before the accident. you went on a few
dates but you made it seem you wanted to be single
[15:54] Corry: I want to be single but “see” someone really
[15:54] Corry: I went on at least one date every other week before the accident
[15:55] Rose: your personality seems to be improving
[15:57] Rose: higher spirits
[15:57] Rose: are these things you are listing in your diary? or is it bothering you?
[15:58] Corry: I’m faking it
[15:58] Corry: I’m talking them out with you now and it’s on my mind
[15:58] Corry: not in diary yet
[15:58] Rose: do feel you are getting more depressed you feel you need to fake it?
[15:59] Corry: You know how an Alzheimer’s patient just fakes it after awhile?
[15:59] Rose: ….no
[15:59] Corry: I started doing that yesterday
[15:59] Corry: Remember the story in that movie Memento where the guy has the same short
term memory loss thing he does?
[16:00] Rose: ya
[16:00] Corry: and they thought he was faking it because he would sometimes make faces and reflexive motions like he recognized people and things
[16:00] Corry: so she tested him with her insulin
[16:00] Corry: and he killed her without knowing
[16:00] Rose: ya
[16:00] Corry: He faked the recognition to bring a semblance of sanity back to his life
[16:00] Corry: that’s what I’m doing around John
[16:01] Corry: and sometimes other people
[16:01] Rose: is it because you’re becoming depressed? maybe it kind of worries you
[16:01] Corry: It is
[16:01] Corry: and my doctor said today that she’s going to recommend I talk to a therapist
[16:02] Corry: because I told her how I almost got fired
[16:02] Rose: i agree with her
[16:02] Corry: Bernie’s going to set it up
[16:02] Rose: I’ve noticced you have been, but you take offence if i say things liek that
[16:02] Corry: like what?
[16:03] Rose: that you’re depressed and you need to tell someone.
[16:03] Corry: I don’t get offended
[16:03] Corry: I told Dr. Six
[16:03] Corry: I’m frustrated in general
[16:03] Corry: I yelled at Jacob today for kicking my chair because it scared the shit out of me
and made my whole back spasm
[16:04] Corry: it sucked, but in hindsight, I didn’t need to yell
[16:04] Rose: are you with life or with people?
[16:04] Rose: frustraited
[16:04] Corry: I’m frustrated with life
[16:04] Corry: and I take it out on other people
[16:04] Corry: and I see it
[16:05] Rose: now, do you think this is the accidents fault? from the pain or your list of
connections?
[16:05] Corry: list of connections???
[16:05] Corry: what’s that?
[16:05] Rose: no money, pain, car insurance .. etc
[16:05] Corry: Oh, the problems in my life all together?
[16:06] Corry: no
[16:06] Corry: I’ve had no money and bills to pay all along
[16:06] Corry: The constant pain, lack of energy, lack of restful sleep, and inability to do things I
enjoy like sports and exercise are what it is
[16:06] Corry: loss of appetite
[16:07] Corry: all of it is from the accident
[16:07] Corry: Now, I can’t even drink as much because I’m afraid of becoming an addict
[16:07] Rose: did you tell Dr six that?
[16:07] Corry: so all that’s left is immersing myself in work, which is stressful and very painful
[16:07] Corry: or immersing myself in Video Games
[16:07] Corry: at home
[16:08] Corry: I have not told Dr. Six all of that, but some of it
[16:08] Rose: is it hard to fake it?
[16:09] Corry: sometimes
[16:09] Corry: but I only run into John or other people I need to be polite around occasionally
[16:09] Rose: i see it come out every so often
[16:10] Rose: i notice but i thought maybe faking it made you feel better
[16:11] Corry: fixing problems makes me feel better
[16:11] Corry: I spoke with Ana about her site for awhile today and that was fine. I was just straining to smile alot and be polite
[16:12] Rose: do you think going out and being more social would help?
[16:12] Corry: yea I’m looking forward to Saturday
[16:13] Rose: Friday too
[16:13] Corry: but if something goes wrong at work on Friday it might sour the whole thing anyway
[16:13] Corry: I’m finding that stress kills me
[16:13] Rose: what would go wrong?
[16:13] Corry: paychecks bounce
[16:13] Rose: they wont corry
[16:13] Corry: I’m just saying
[16:13] Rose: trust me
[16:14] Corry: well we’ll see
[16:14] Corry: it’s not you I don’t trust
[16:14] Corry: but in general, stress seems to have like a 10x effect on me since the accident
[16:15] Corry: I think I escape into work
[16:15] Corry: and if work is going badly I have no where to run
[16:15] Rose: at least you have somthing
[16:15] Rose: i think things are improving at work for oyu
[16:15] Corry: I think it’s also why I get too mad at you when you mess up when we’re playing WoW
[16:15] Corry: my other escape
[16:16] Rose: i figured. dosent bother me, i just snap back somtimes
[16:17] Rose: do you think if your pain went away youd be fine?
[16:18] Corry: if my pain went away I’d be way way better
[16:19] Corry: stress about money being tight is bad, but at least I wouldn’t be constantly
reminded
[16:19] Rose: but still depressed?
[16:19] Corry: no I think if the pain just instantly went away now, the depression would only be in small spurts instead of constant
[16:20] Corry: like when I saw my messed up car, or people asked me about it, or whenever I was reminded of it
[16:20] Corry: or when I saw my low paycheck from the missed time
[16:20] Rose: you have 60 hours this paycheck
[16:20] Corry: that sucks
[16:21] Corry: thats a 25% paycut
[16:21] Rose: youll get it back later, but yes, it sucks now
[16:21] Corry: yea… way later
[16:21] Rose: remember to save you pay stubs
[16:21] Corry: I always do anyway
[16:21] Corry: and Jacob is keeping track for me too
[16:21] Rose: thats good
[16:22] Rose: You know if you need to borrow any, to just ask
[16:22] Corry: yea yea yea
[16:23] Rose: you said you kind of felt the pain was goign away, still feel that waY?
[16:24] Corry: yea absolutely
[16:24] Corry: its lessened from the extremes
[16:24] Corry: but when I get surprised by someone coming behind me and kicking my chair, or Beau tapping on my head, or stop short in a car it’s still severe
[16:24] Corry: and the anxiety is incredible
[16:25] Corry: it’s better, except when it’s bad basically, lol
[16:25] Rose: 😛 good way to explain
[16:25] Rose: so when will you find out your appointment?
[16:26] Corry: I’m guessing they’ll either call me or I’ll hear at my next Dr. appointment
[16:26] Rose: tomorrow?
[16:27] Rose: do you feel better at home then at work?
[16:27] Corry: Friday
[16:27] Corry: yea way less stress and I can lay down if I want
[16:27] Corry: I can get up and walk around
[16:27] Corry: I can walk around in my underwear
[16:28] Corry: comfort helps
[16:28] Rose: thats good. Glad my head scratches isnt in vain 😛
[16:28] Corry: “aren’t” in vain
[16:29] Corry: they aren’t. They help me fall asleep
[16:29] Corry: I just don’t like sharing the bed because it makes my back have limited options for comfort
[16:30] Rose: you make noises at night. worries me sometimes
[16:32] Rose: does eating still make you feel sick?
[16:32] Corry: Eating doesn’t make me sick ever
[16:33] Corry: pain makes me nauseous and lose my appetite
[16:33] Corry: I force feed myself most of the time
[16:33] Corry: it’s easier if the food is good of course, but I still have no appetite
[16:34] Rose: ive been craving steak, so im going to run by Ajs after work. Care to join and help me pick some out? maybe some veggies?
[16:35] Corry: Nah
[16:35] Corry: can you grab me some cheese and crackers tho?
[16:36] Rose: sure 😊 i thought you could go with me so you can give me that money for rent. if not, can i just borrow your card
[16:36] Corry: and that yellow squash and zuccini on the grill sounds good with some yellow bell pepper
[16:36] Corry: You can take my card and hit the ATM
[16:36] Corry: I just don’t want to drive farther than I need to
[16:36] Rose: i understand
[16:37] Rose: we can play some wow while the food grills 😉
[16:39] Rose: hopefully this weekend will cheer you up

Kati was good to me, especially in the worst times. Reading this again reminds me of how little I was able to reciprocate back then. Luckily, it wasn’t always this way.

The Pain Journal Ends

The pain logging stopped there. It was getting repetitive. If I continued for 18 more years, it wouldn’t be much different. I don’t get nausea anymore, but that’s about it.

“As good as it’s likely to get”

About three months in, my physical therapist told me I was done. My daily pain levels were significantly lower, but far from zero. If I recall correctly, I believe I rated my daily baseline pain around a [4] back then. Meaning, I rarely felt less than moderate spinal pain at all times.

I wept after that appointment. I was already deeply depressed for dozens of reasons I knew and a few I wasn’t yet conscious of. A medical professional telling me this was going to be how I felt for the rest of my life put me at a seriously elevated risk of suicide.

This post doesn’t have many photos. I scoured my hard drives and cloud for photos from the accident and the year after and found almost nothing. The depression, pain, and an inability to do anything fun or photo-worthy took those years away from me. Yet another cost I’ll never recover.

Pain Scales

I have a complicated relationship with pain scales.

Proprioception

I have a hard time understanding how my body feels unless I pay specific attention to it. I frequently realize “I’ve had to use the restroom for over an hour and now it’s an emergency!” at the last minute. If I didn’t have my routines for stretching and walking around frequently throughout my day, I’d forget to eat, drink water, or do other self care tasks others take for granted. It makes it harder for me to deal with unconsciously grinding my teeth, tapping my leg, not-disordered eating, or general clumsiness.

It also makes it difficult to answer questions about how I’m doing, or how badly something hurts.

The Harvard Health Publishing Pain Scale

I learned years later I’d been providing doctors with numbers 2–3 points lower than I should’ve. It was part of why my pain medications weren’t very effective after my dental surgeries in youth. I just didn’t realize what the scale meant.

As a young undiagnosed autistic person, I thought anything above bearable meant I couldn’t walk, talk, or function. I thought intense and distressing meant I couldn’t do anything else but writhe in bed. I thought unthinkable and unspeakable were some form of pain I’d never experienced. One I couldn’t even describe.

Based on this scale, I frequently gave 2’s and 3’s when they asked and [5] was about as bad as I’d get. I was also doing the toxic masculine thing and toughing it out, minimizing pain levels I’d say so I didn’t seem like a pussy.

The Mankoski Pain Scale

This more specific version of the pain scale made sense of the pain levels for me when I discovered it a few years ago.

With this scale, I realized my daily baseline was a [5]. Bad pain days range from [7–8]. Since adopting this scale, I’ve received far more effective care from doctors.

Pain Meditation

Any chronic pain sufferer will likely tell you how we turn pain into white noise, even when it’s intense. Our minds dissociate from our bodies. Some of us find ways to train our brains to suppress pain to varying degrees of success and sustainability.

When I go into the doctor’s office and see a pain scale chart on the wall, it hurts. My brain perceives a prompt to listen to what it had on mute before. It’s obviously unpleasant, especially when I’m not expecting it. Even writing about the accident escalates my pain as I’ve worked on this post. It’s taken months to get through it.

But I find it’s also helpful to stay in touch with my pain.

Staying in Touch with My Pain

If I dissociated from my body 24/7 I’d lose touch with my senses. My pain might be temporarily easier to work and play through, but I wasn’t able to enjoy pleasurable sensations either. Mindfully letting the pain hit me fully from time to time helps me de-couple it from other sensations.

My inner critic tends to be harsh. I often expect too much of myself, and failure can frustrate me quickly. When I went long durations without meditation, the side effects got worse. I allowed myself to believe I should be able to do what anyone else my age can. I’d forget to take care of myself, take my medications, do my stretches, etc. I’d push myself too hard, burn out, or injure myself.

So I do my best not to spend too much time in my pain-free fantasy world.

Pain Medication

I wrote about discovering medical marijuana back in 2014. I still use it in small doses — 5mg CBD to 0.25mg THC. Basically, I cut a 20:1 CBD gummy into four pieces. I take them as infrequently as I can stand. Usually about 4 days per week, and only after work hours and when I’m not driving. Now that I work remotely, I can take them during work hours if I have an especially bad pain day.

This low dose takes the edge off my pain. It reduces it by one or two steps on the pain scale. CBD works better for me than acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and other over-the-counter pain relievers. The only medications that’ve let me experience zero pain are oxycontin or MS Contin. Even Percocet drops me only to a [2] or so.

I understand how addiction comes so easily for opioid pain medications. I’ve known people in that position, and the idea terrifies me more than my pain. When I was weening myself off post-surgery painkillers recently, it was horrible to remember what my baseline is all over again. For people who’ve built up high tolerances to their medications, they experience no relief — only the hellish sensation of freshly returning pain. Often in elevated amounts because of withdrawal.

This is why I’m so careful about pain meds.

Sports Massage

Over time, muscle tension builds up. The best treatment I’ve been able to get consistently is sports massage. When I can afford it, getting a 90 minute sports massage every 4 weeks helps my day-to-day experience. Guided stretching and deep tissue in targeted areas can slowly improve things. After 4 or 5 good sessions, I feel consistently stronger and more relaxed.

When I’ve gone to less experienced or skilled massage therapists, they’ve injured me further. I need confident, accurate pressure from practiced hands. Which is why it isn’t cheap. If I don’t keep it up, pain builds up again after a month or two.

For a long time I didn’t make enough money to do it. Once I established myself in San Francisco, I finally found someone who helped. Since then, I’ve learned how to find the right people, but each time I need to build up trust again.

Sadly, my health insurance has never covered it, even with a diagnosis. Shocking. 🫩

My 2008 Car Accident Still Affects Me

Even 18 years after the accident, my spine isn’t the same. I’ve seen doctors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, sports medicine experts, somatic therapists, and tried dozens of other treatments to repair it. Relief has only been temporary.

A Day in the Life

• I awake (if I slept¹) each morning in intense pain. It’s usually the worst part of my day. [5–7]
• If I lay in bed for longer than 10 minutes, it escalates.
  • This is why I usually get up immediately after waking.
  • It’s also why I can’t easily fall back asleep if awoken in the middle of the night.
• As I walk around and stretch, it usually begins to subside. After half an hour or so, I usually land at the day’s baseline. [2–5]
  • Walking my dog helps remind me to do this.
• While working, as long as I do my stretches and take breaks, it only rises a little bit by the end of the day. Usually at 5pm I’m back to my morning level of discomfort. [5–7]
• This is when I usually take a gummy and walk the dogs again. By the end of our walk I’m usually at a [3–4].
  • It’s also when I have my weekly therapy session. This can help or hurt, depending on what we talk about. When we talk about the accident, my pain tends to spike.
• If I can help it, I try not to return to my desk chair for the remainder of the day. If I move around or recline comfortably, I can usually stay low. [2–4]
  • If I go out, I need a seat with a backrest or I’ll have to leave pretty soon.
• When I go to bed, I can’t lay still for long. I try to wait to hit the bed until I’m dozing off to limit discomfort.
  • While I sleep, I toss and turn frequently. It’s mostly unconscious now, but can disturb others if I share the bed.
  • ¹I suffer from insomnia, which worsens pain, which worsens insomnia.

But wait there’s more!

These are just basics. Factors like stress, nutrition, illness, exhaustion, and other injuries can all exacerbate my base pain levels.

How Pain Affects Our Personality

This was one of my most heartbreaking realizations. Before I found medical marijuana and learned all my coping mechanisms, I was an asshole on bad pain days. I was angry, frustrated, irritable. And because the pain was chronic, this unpleasant version of me became how others perceived my personality.

I’ve since found ways to keep myself calm and less reactive. Therapy has helped a lot. Transition helped a lot. I have to spin a lot of plates constantly just to stay myself. It costs significant time and money, but at least I’m finally starting to like myself. I still need occasional reminders if others like me too.

Coping Strategies

If there’s any silver lining to be found on this cloud, it’s these. I was forced to develop coping strategies anyone can probably benefit from. I may never have learned them without the accident, or I’d at least have taken longer to figure them out secondhand.

Prioritize Healthcare

Obviously, we don’t all have the ability to visit doctors, take our prescriptions, and keep current on our labs. In America, these are luxuries. Many people cut these expenses from our personal budgets to keep other priorities. The only things I can put ahead of healthcare are housing and food.

I work for far less pay than I deserve for many reasons², but the biggest is great health insurance. My priorities are different than many of my peers, and I worry it’ll bite them in the ass one day.

Our bodies are complex interdependent systems. Everything it spends resources on affects other parts. When our immune system needs to focus on an untreated condition, it can’t do as good a job protecting us from a new threat. This is why flossing regularly can help prevent Alzheimer’s disease. If I don’t keep up with my nutrition, vaccines, and other aspects of physical and mental health, my day-to-day pain worsens. It’s a constant nagging feeling that reminds me to make and keep my appointments.

Manage Stress

Burnout can be deadly. Chronic pain creates a higher floor for daily stress levels. Regular therapy, meditation, and general efforts at limiting my emotional investments have helped me keep a fairly cool head. I care deeply about many things, but I have to limit how many I invest care into.

Work is often where I have to pull back most. Detaching emotionally from my job is a double-edged sword. It helps me stay calm during crises and maintain a healthy work-life balance. It helps me feel less disappointed when the company makes poor choices. The cold professionalism they claim to want becomes easier. But it also limits my ambitions and can make others feel like I’m less dedicated. Well, I am. Because I have to be.

Add to that all the times I’ve poured my heart, mind, and body into a job just to have them dump me and give me next to nothing to show for it. Work simply isn’t a reliable emotional investment. Stress takes more minutes off my life than the hours they already bought from me.

I close my laptop at 5pm everyday with a ritualistic conscious motion. I need my body to experience the work/leisure transition clearly so I can let go of everything I was fighting through. I recommend this to anyone struggling with work related stress.

Irish Goodbyes

Any time I try to leave a party and someone I’m with insist on saying goodbye to everyone first it takes at least an extra hour. This is a real problem when I need to rest or I’ll become increasingly irritable as my meds wear off, my neck gets tired of supporting the weight of my head, and pain rises. So now I just ditch and it’s much better.

I appreciate when friends give me rides places, but I’d rather pay for a Lyft than wait too long to go home when I need to. If I don’t want to fill someone in on all the depressing details detailed in this post, I use my dog as an excuse.

Planning

I’m an excellent planner. Partially because it eases social anxiety, but also because it’s soothing to live in the future when the present is unbearable.

I often plan vacations or fun social activities on bad pain days. Having something to look forward to helps me procrastinate self harm when things have felt especially bad. When I counsel young queer folks, this is one of the tips I share to get them to give it one more day.

Living in the Moment

Similarly to planning stuff to make life feel worth continuing, I try not to delay pleasure. I’m a hedonist. To some degree I’ve always been, but it really locked in after the accident. Savoring a delicious meal, having sex, or just taking a nice walk outdoors are simple pleasures I try to take advantage of whenever my body will let me. Those opportunities aren’t guaranteed and more time passes between them as we age.

People make a lot excuses to avoid a good time. I’m not sure why, but I suspect it’s some combination of scarcity mindset, our work-obsessed culture, and feeling undeserving. I try to use my vacation time as often as possible — especially when I lived in states where we lose time off if they fire us.

Tenuous Tomorrows

The threats of our age show how fragile long term plans actually are. Our retirement funds are never full enough. Corruption allows fraudsters to steal our homes, insurance companies to deny care we prepaid for, and regulators to poison or neglect us.

I’ve stopped adding levels to the house of cards and adopted a maximum of 2–5 year planning. Mostly because I can’t afford the luxury of looking much farther ahead, but also because I have to survive today to get there.

Don’t Wait

One of my favorite pieces of advice Dan Savage gives out is fuck first.

When Savage talks about fuck first, he’s usually referring to keeping the spark in long-term relationships. He often talks about it in context of weddings. It’s much better to have sex before the wedding than to wait until you’re both exhausted, drunk, full of rich food, and have a ton of over-hyped wedding night expectations. And it’s not like doing it first means you can’t also do it later.

After the car accident, my 24-year-old sex drive went from record highs to zero most of the time. I was waiting for my body and mind to feel ready. I could rely on it before, but my new normal made hesitation nearly constant. If I waited for the pain to cease before I enjoyed my life, I’d never enjoy it. It’s a cliche that life feels better when we say yes more often. But I feel the cliche also needs to say “yes, right now“ to keep us from procrastinating pleasure.

I’ve since learned to take fuck first philosophy into non-sex related areas of my life. I extend the idea as advice to you too. If your life hasn’t recently been wrecked by being too impulsive, turn that shit up. Be more impulsive. Act on urges when they arrive. Don’t lose the momentary pause for judgment, but don’t sit in the pause for too long either. Fuck first.

Invisible Disabilities

Invisible disabilities are frustrating. It’s hard to find others who understand without experiencing them themselves, so I gravitate toward others like me. Empathy often isn’t enough.

But for those other interactions — especially vital ones with doctors, bosses, and heaven forbid the justice system — I have to mask as best as I can. Masking is stressful. Stress increases pain. Pain makes it harder for me to function.

This is the loop of dysregulation I’ve felt in the worst parts of my life: school, work, and in controlling family dynamics. It’s what I fear about ever being incarcerated or involuntarily hospitalized. To a lesser degree, it’s what I fear about losing my home or having to move away from my sanctuary city.

And no one can see it, so I sometimes have to prove it to new people I meet. Even then, they often don’t believe me. So that’s fun.

Impostor Syndrome

Sometimes even I doubt myself. I’ll occasionally have several low pain days in a row and wonder if I’m cured. Sometimes I’ll see someone else’s pain or disability and consider maybe mine is nothing compared to theirs.

This is another reason for somatic meditation, by the way.

Denial doesn’t help. It just creates more frequent opportunities for shock and disappointment. It sets expectations inaccurately. It erases my lived experience to benefit… who? Certainly not me.

PTSD

Since the accident, I get anxious in cars. Driving or being a passenger elevates my heartrate, spikes my pain, and gives me what I’d call micro panic attacks. If a car passes a little too fast or too close, I’ll flinch. Depending on how tense my muscles are that day, a flinch can strain them. The triggers persist even if I sit in the back seat, close my eyes, and wear headphones. Just the inertia from braking or turning suddenly can be enough.

Avoiding Cars

Cars are incredibly dangerous. It’s rational to be vigilant and avoid them. I’ll spare you from all the scary statistics you probably already know about. In general, the less time one spends in or near cars, the healthier they are and longer they live.

After Kati and I split up in 2016, she took the Lexus and I tried going without a car for a while. I figured I’d probably buy one after a year or so. Turns out I vastly prefer a life without one. So much I’ve declined job and dating opportunities that’d require one. Zero regrets. If I can help it, I’ll never own a car again.

Navigating America

Working remotely is a godsend.² Commuting to work is often the most exposure Americans get to automobile-related danger. Even when I worked in a hybrid environment, I’m lucky enough to have bus stops across the street from my home to get me to most city centers quickly and reliably.

That said, it’s near impossible to live in the U.S. without access to cars. Even in the most walkable cities like mine, I still need a car sometimes. Doctor’s appointments are sometimes in remote areas. Public transit isn’t as reliable here as in other countries, so any trip requiring multiple transfers is often better replaced by a pricey rideshare trip.

Economics of Car Ownership

Even the most expensive ridesharing months I’ve had since 2016 haven’t even reached half the monthly cost of car ownership.

Plus, I can often get a ride with friends or borrow one of their cars for planned occasions. It still sucks to drive or ride in them, but I at least get to keep it to a minimum while getting where I need to go.

My financial and health needs align here. As long as I never need to move to another place with no public transit and zero walkability, I can stay safe and sustainable without a car.

Treating Car Trauma

Interestingly, I don’t have the same trauma response to car accidents I was in before the one in 2008. As a child I was involved in multiple car accidents as a passenger. None of them set me on edge the way this one did. Of the many differences between them, the most impactful one is clear. Bruises and sprains from the others healed within months. The damage from 2008 remains.

Over the last year I’ve worked with my therapist to reduce the anxiety and PTSD triggers when I need to be around cars. Those sessions are often painful. We revisit the inciting accident to uncover the circumstances.

When we go into EMDR on the topic, I’m reminded of the many pressures and anxieties I felt at the time. Some of them are named in the letters, journals, and chats I shared above. A strong theme across them:

The world is predatory. You are prey.

This is how I’ve come to summarize how I felt in 2008 and the years around then. I didn’t write much while recovering from my injuries, but a few posts illustrate these ideas:

• Scum of the Web was a rant about con artists online.
• SEO Traps was about how it felt to be a website designer and developer fresh out of school at the time. We served con artists for our living and used our skills to legitimize the illegitimate.
• The Next Step is a depression-laden reflection of how I’m trying to change the trajectory of my life. Attempting to bounce back from a low point.
• What They’re Selling is another rant about con artists, scammers, and predatory marketers.
• My First Week in Vegas shows how banks, landlords, and the state (of Arizona in this case) all did their best to kick me when I was down as I tried to dig my way out.

I still believe this.

I learned it from my experiences in my first years living on my own in America. I was thousands of miles from family and all my previous friends. A barely legal adult, fresh on the market to sign contracts for credit cards, cell phones, student loans, and military enlistment forms. A prime target for our culture’s many permitted predators.

Nothing’s changed. Our current president’s scam for-profit college was sued into bankruptcy around the same time mine was. American culture rewards predators and finds ways to stop anyone from protecting the rest of us.

Terrible Validation

I was already defaulting on my student loans from my scam college. I was living with my ex because we couldn’t afford not to. I was underpaid and uninsured, working at a soul-sucking job that wasn’t even in the industry I got my degree for.

And then I was fired from that shitty job. Because I was disabled in a car accident that wasn’t my fault. An accident that occurred while working, on my way back from a client meeting. My former boss even signed a letter confirming these facts.

But Arizona has zero protections for wrongful termination. Arizona even let my former boss delay or deny my unemployment claim if he just asked nicely or dragged his feet a little.

My Lawsuit

I received a check years later, while living in Las Vegas. After paying for my car repairs, my rehab, and legal fees, I ended up with a little under $700. This was the price of eternal suffering. By then my career had had more ups and downs, but my pain management had become routine. My lawyer offered to fight for more, but advised we’d be unlikely to succeed. My cynical nature had me skeptical I’d get anything by then, so I accepted this laughably low amount.

Before this accident, I felt the way a lot of the well-propagandized public did about the woman who sued McDonald’s over hot coffee. Suffice to say, I’d learned a lot since.

What’s left to heal?

So here I am, digging my fingers into old wounds hoping the pain it stirs may be worth something in the future.

I don’t expect to physically heal the ground-down bones and cartilage in my spine. Nor the damaged nerves or scarred muscles and tendons.

I don’t expect to rediscover faith in humanity. Certainly not in American society. I don’t trust strangers until they prove themselves worthy. I trust my instincts when I sense red flags from people. These practices have served me well and helped me hold high standards for my social circles.

I expect to try. Even if I don’t expect to succeed. Because doing nothing is only a comfort for so long.

I hope I can reduce the frequency of my triggers. And with it, reduce how often my pain spikes.

We’ll see how it goes.